


Personal Jesus

by SmackTheDevil



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Atheism, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Gay Sex, M/M, Religious Content, Religious Fanaticism, Road Trips, Slow Burn, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:14:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 39,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29883726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmackTheDevil/pseuds/SmackTheDevil
Summary: Jared had always known that life in a religious home and the extremely oppressive family life he was a part of was not quite right. For years he wondered what life beyond the church and his deeply religious upbringing was like. Jared got tasters here and there, little nuggets of information about the outside world. He wanted to know why his church Pastor was so obsessed with sin when there was so much good in the world to preach about and why there seemed to be so much hate amongst the parishioners, his own parents being the worst offenders.Jared didn't know much about life but he knew how to work with his hands, so when Pastor Lee recruits him to work alongside the carpenter he hired to repair the church, Jared sees Jensen as a way out of his miserable life.Personal Jesus is a story of self-discovery, friendship, love and learning to redirect ones faith.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 11
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please be aware that this story contains heavy homophobia, homophobic slurs, extreme religious beliefs and atheism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Personal Jesus Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ED01fFRsDTM44qePGwjIl?si=vlmo98xERzi9G22_pMmhGg)

“ _What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may be abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? Some people think that Christianity is just a big list of ‘Do Not’s’ but there is so much more to it than that! Don’t!_ ”

Pastor Lee was on form as usual, Jared often thought that if his exuberance was focused elsewhere rather than filling each and every Sunday sermon with warnings of sinning, he would have made a very good circus performer. Not that Jared knew what circus performers were like, he had never seen one but he had seen the big top set up once a year just out of town. Red and white it was, huge with a colorful flag on top. There was no going into town for essential groceries when the circus was in residence. Mr and Mrs. Padalecki hated those free-living circus types in their caravans, daring to enjoy life, wandering down Main Street drumming up business. Those folks were the worst kind of sinners, or so Jared had been told although he had never been given a reason why. And the same went for movie stars, pop stars, writers, journalists, single women over twenty-five, imbibers of alcohol and the man who ran the pharmacy because he was divorced. All of them were sinners in some shape or form, all cut from the same cloth of indecency and disregard for the word of the Lord. 

Jared was twenty-one, a milestone for most young people ready to dip the first tentative toe into the world of adulthood but to him it meant nothing. On his birthday in July a month ago, his parents made an extra special effort at praying away the sin that could possibly come by to disrupt Jared’s life and his mother made his favorite meal which he was asked to thank the Lord for before eating it. Coming of age meant nothing to the Padalecki’s. But inside Jared’s head there was a stirring of discontent.

“Why does Pastor Lee talk so much about sin when there is so much about being good in the Bible?” Jared asked a somewhat simple question as he and his family turned to shake one anothers hand. Love thy neighbor didn’t mean much to the Padalecki’s.

“Jared, this is neither the time nor the place to question Pastor Lee’s motives. He is a man lead by God and we should never question it.” Mrs. Padalecki said under her breath while Jared regretted voicing what he considered to be a fair opinion, one that would no doubt cause problems later at home.

Ever since he had graduated high school, at least the equivalent of high school, having been home schooled all his life, Jared had been permitted to go into town alone to pick up groceries. The Padalecki’s were mostly self-sufficient but even they had to grapple with the alleged evils of modern commerce once in a while. Jared saw television for the first time during one of his earlier trips into town, he lingered by the pawn shop and watched a muted five minutes of a daytime talk show whereby a ticker scrolled across the bottom of the screen asking viewers opinions on infidelity. Jared hadn’t understood much of was what on the screen and couldn’t hear the women who were dressed colorfully and seated behind a desk, laughing their heads off about a subject that Jared had listened to terrifying sermons about. The worst part about it was the guilt he’d had when he got home. Television and radio, unless it was the local Baptist station was forbidden in the Padalecki household, but that didn’t stop him hovering by the pawn shop each and every time he passed it. Jared learned to lip read very quickly.

Jared soon moved on from his new found interest in television shows and commercials to flicking through magazines while wandering around the grocery store. The first was a copy of Us Weekly which he first mistook as US Weekly believing it to be a harmless publication about his country but instead turned out to be filled with photographs and stories about famous people, lots of ladies in revealing dresses and men in beachwear. Mr. Porter who ran the grocery store had never been a member of Jared’s church and allowed him to wander around with the magazines only to pop them back on the stand once he had reached the register. Jared now knew what a Jenner was and liked the pictures of the men on the beach. 

Over time, the guilt grew and peaked so high that Jared got to the point whereby he would scurry past the pawn shop and forgo reading material while he grocery shopped. But the feeling had been short-lived and his addiction to absorbing images and stories from the outside world soon came back with a new found hunger. And it was that hunger that lead Jared to start questioning his Mother and the vigorous sermons of Pastor Lee on that innocuous Sunday morning. 

Once the Padalecki’s and the rest of the congregation had filtered out of the church, taking their time to speak to Pastor Lee as they stepped outside into the stifling mid August heat of Louisiana, Jared asked his Mother another burning question.

“Don’t you think that as long as folks don’t hurt other folks, they should be allowed to live as they choose. We do live in a free country after all.” Jared said lowly as they approached Pastor Lee who was dripping with sweat from the heat and his lively sermon. Mrs. Padalecki shot Jared a look that could have brought the wrath of Hell with it and the threat of punishment once they returned home. It was all smiles again though as she thanked Pastor Lee for a wonderful service. Jared thought it looked like flirting, now that he had learned what that meant. Kind of.

*

Jared tugged at his collar and neck tie as the thick, swampy air surrounded him like an ill-placed winter comforter. He bypassed saying thanks to Pastor Lee and left his mother there to fawn over him when he heard knocking and the faint sound of music coming from the back of the church. It wasn’t unusual for the Padalecki’s to split up around the grounds after Sunday service because it was considered the only safe space for them outside of home, so Jared wandered. Of course, modern music wasn’t entirely new to the sheltered twenty-one year old but the kind coming from a small radio sitting on top of a ladder was like nothing he had ever heard. Mr. Porter mostly had the radio on in the grocery store, some bluegrass station that filtered out twangy plinky plonk music. Jared hated it. 

“Hey! You got a strong pair of hands?” The voice coming from the man at the very top of the ladder called out above the music that Jared couldn’t even begin to describe. “I need that wood panel passin’ up!” 

Jared froze as he looked up at the guy standing at the top of a pair of old step ladders because he was half naked, sweating, tan and grinning at Jared like the Devil incarnate. The boy hesitated as the blonde looked back at him with a ‘ _Well, you gonna or not?_ ’ expression on his face. 

“I ain’t got all day!” The man gestured at the pile of lumber on the ground at the foot of the ladder.

“Uh, yeah. I can do that.” Jared nodded, daring to loosen his tie as he leaned down, picking a panel of wood from the ground with one hand and passing it up.

“That’s perfect. I knew I had asked the right guy. Thanks, man.”

“That’s okay.” Jared said meekly, looking anywhere but at the top of the ladder. “What’s that music?” He asked, nodding at the radio.

“Well, that’s Zeppelin, ain’t it?”

“Oh, I don’t know them.” Jared mumbled, turning to check that his Mother was still chewing off Pastor Lee’s ear. Thankfully, she was nowhere to be seen.

“You don’t know Zeppelin?” 

“No.”

“Led Zeppelin, Robert Plant, Jimmy Page?” The guy muttered through a long nail poking out from the corner of his mouth. He cocked an eyebrow as Jared shook his head but continued listing off why Jared really should have known who Led Zeppelin were. “Stairway to Heaven? Immigrant Song? Whole Lotta Love?” He grinned.

“No.” Jared said simply.

“Damn, where you been livin’ back in-?” Whatever the guy was saying, the last part was drowned out by the music and hammering.

“Something like that.” Jared said getting the gist of the question, looking over his shoulder as he heard the faint cry of his name being called out. “I’ve got to go.”

“Sure thing, thanks for the help.” 

“That’s okay.” Jared nodded, jumping with a wince as his name was yelled out impatiently.

“See you around.” The guy winked.

“Yes.” No, Jared thought to himself. ‘ _I never want to see you again_ ’

*

Jared did of course see the guy again, the moment he had tucked himself up in bed after a long evening of prayer which had mostly come about because Jared had dared to fairly question God and Pastor Lee. Jared, above his two sisters had always been looked upon as the troubled child, ever since at the age of five when he dared to steal one of his Mother’s freshly baked cookies. Oat and raisin of course, chocolate wasn’t permitted under the strict instructions laid down by Jared’s parents. Chocolate was another of the Devils temptations. So as Jared laid in bed at 9.30pm, he did wonder if his life was entirely fair because from the scant details he had gathered from his sneaky television viewing and magazine reading it seemed that people spent most of their time falling in love, spending time with friends and eating interesting food. All those human things people did in a lifetime to make the most of their time on Earth. The Padalecki’s were not happy people unless they were agreeing with frantic enthusiasm at everything Pastor Lee said in his sermons or during the singing of hymns and even then they looked nothing but neutral. Jared had gotten into the habit of smiling at himself in the mirror which at first felt strange and unnatural but something he became accustomed to fairly quickly. Jared wanted someone to smile back at him, just like the guy on the ladder who had smiled down at him with the face of an angel.


	2. Chapter 2

“Pastor Lee wants me to do what?”

“Help repair the church, Jared.” Mrs. Padalecki said, whacking Jared on the back of the hand with a metal serving spoon, something she did regularly whenever she believed her son deserved it. That time it had been not listening and it really, really hurt. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I misheard you.” Jared lied, a sin yes but often a necessary one. 

“The carpenter he hired for the job seems to be taking a lot longer than he first promised, he needs the help.”

“But why me?”

“Penance.” Mr. Padalecki said simply from the head of the dining table. 

“For?” Jared frowned, daring once again to question his parents motives and their love for the Lord. The spoon came down harder the second time, splattering his hand with remnants of mashed potato.

“Your Godless attitude.” Mrs. Padalecki hissed. 

“Will I get paid?” Jared said tightly, wiping the potato from the back of his hand with a napkin.

“Your penance is payment, child.” Jared’s parents said in unison.

Jared almost, almost so very nearly said ‘ _I’m not a child_ ’ but saved himself just in the nick of time.

“When do I start?” 

“Tomorrow at dawn.” 

“I’ll be there, sir.” Jared nodded at his father, inwardly grinning from ear to ear.

*

“Oh, it’s you.” The carpenter, whose name Jared had learned was Jensen, beamed at him as he sat on one of the rungs of his ladder drinking from a bottle of Coca-Cola which Jared had never tried. “It’s Jared, right?”

“Hm.” Jared nodded. 

“From the book of Genesis, huh?”

“Yes, that’s right. Do you know the Bible well?”

“Enough.” Jensen scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I don’t go in for all that shit, yet look at me. I’m a carpenter, fixin’ up a damn church. How do you like the fuckin’ irony in that?” He chuckled.

“Oh wow.” Jared giggled with wide-eyes at Jensen’s colorful language.

“Aw, shit. Did I offend you?” Jensen slumped.

“No, I like it. I mean, I don’t ever really hear folks talk that way, unless I’m passing The Tap.”

“The Tap?”

“Oh, it’s a place in town where people go to drink alcohol.”

“So, a bar, then?” Jensen chuckled.

“Yeah.” Jared nodded, wrinkling his nose out of embarrassment. 

“Okay. So what do you know about this kinda work?”

“A lot.”

“I guess that’s why they suggested you. No offense, man but if I’m takin’ a pay cut because-” Jensen started and Jared sinned again by daring to interrupt.

“I’m not being paid, at least not with money.”

“I see.” Jensen nodded, considering the young man for a moment. “You ain’t like them folks with the beards and funny hats, are you?”

“No.” Jared shook his head. “We’re not Amish but not far off as far as our lifestyle goes.”

“I see.” Jensen said again. “Well, standin’ around chewin’ the fat ain’t gonna get anythin’ done.” He jumped off the ladder and walked toward Jared, offering the half empty bottle of Coke he had been drinking which was declined reluctantly. Coca-Cola was one of the many, many evils of modern society that Jared was yet to sample. It appeared though to be a very popular drink for people because in town, everywhere Jared went there were signs for it; old faded ones from the sixties saying ‘It’s The Real Thing’ and newer ones proclaiming that if you drink it ‘Life Tastes Good’. Jared didn’t believe that a simple brown sugar drink could summon the Devil inside him so made a decision to try if Jensen offered again. 

“What do you want me to do?”

“There are some panels on the south side of the church that are rotten, take ‘em out, replace ‘em. Simple as that. We’ll have lunch a noon.”

“Alright.” Jared nodded, not realizing that he was staring at Jensen.

“Have I got somethin’ on my face, man?” Jensen laughed.

“Your eyes are green.” 

“Yep, always have been.” Jensen said, taking a long gulp from the dewy bottle of Coke, then punching his chest and burping which made Jared snort.

“Evil.” Jared said casually, then walked away, rounding the church to find the work he was meant to be doing.

“Okay.” Jensen laughed, shaking his head. “Weird dude.” He muttered to himself as he watched with bemusement as Jared walked off.

Jared wasn’t a one hundred percent rebel with the way he looked at life on the outside and away from his family. Twenty-one years of indoctrination meant that some of the insane beliefs his parents drilled into him, well they stuck. When a person like Jared didn’t know anything else but was being drip-fed little nuggets of information about the wider world, not everything he had learned was ever going to be wiped out in an instant. Green eyes were evil and associated with witch-craft which was obviously the Devil’s doing. _Everything_ bad was the Devil’s doing according to Mr and Mrs. Padalecki and Jared still believed a lot of it. Jensen seemed like just the kind of young man that Jared’s parents would want their son to avoid. In the short time that Jared had known Jensen he had seen his bare chest and a part of his behind through ripped jeans. And Jensen himself was stacking up sins like bowling pins; cussing, drinking Coke, comparing himself to Jesus Christ and admitting that he believed the Bible to be ‘shit’. Had the elder Padalecki’s known anything about Jensen, they wouldn’t have let their son anywhere near him. 

One thing about Jared’s quiet, sheltered existence was the joy of working with his hands. It was a time for him to reflect and think about things; life and what was beyond it. That morning, Jared thought about Jensen a lot. The young man could hear him singing along to his radio, cussing and hammering away. It occurred to Jared that Jensen seemed very happy despite his shortcomings. The man was without God and yet seemed to be very happy.

When lunchtime rolled around, Jensen wandered over to the south side of the church to find the work he had given Jared to be complete just in the nick of time. Jensen was sweating and topless again with his grubby white t-shirt tucked into the waistband of his low slung jeans. Jared thought Jensen looked like an angel again.

“Oh, I wanted to say sorry for calling you evil.”

“S’okay, been called worse.” Jensen chuckled. “You about done, thought you might wanna come with me while we eat lunch.”

“You don’t eat here?”

“Nah, churches freak me out, man. I go sit by the water. It’s cooler.”

“Well-” Jared looked across the street to the wooded area that he was usually forbidden to venture into for reasons that were unknown to him.

“It ain’t far.” Jensen smiled, waving his cooler bag in front of Jared’s face. “I know how to pack a mean lunch.”

“Oh.” Jared nodded, looking down at his Thermos full of nothing but water and his brown paper lunch bag which no doubt by that point contained warm, sweaty food. “Okay.”

“Awesome.” Jensen grinned. Always smiling, forever happy. Cussing and listening to Satanic music and taking his clothes off in public but always so beautifully cheerful. Jensen had referred to the lake as a lake but it was more swampy and less lakey ans it was much cooler in the shade of the Cypress trees, well, as cool as Louisiana could be in August.

“You’re not from around here, are you?” Jared said, taking a seat next to Jensen on the ground. Close but not too close because Jared found that he enjoyed looking at him quite a lot.

“You ain’t either.” Jensen grinned, unzipping his lunch bag.

“We’re from Texas.”

“Kansas.” Jensen said, frowning at Jared’s droopy baloney sandwiches. “Is that all you got?”

“Hm.” Jared nodded. “My mom fixed it for me.”

“Here.” Jensen handed Jared a long, weighty aluminum foil wrapped mystery package. “It’s a burrito. I made it myself.”

“I don’t know what a burrito is.” Jared shook his head, hesitating.

“It’s a flour tortilla with good stuff inside it. I mean, I don’t make authentic Mexican food, I just stuff ‘em with whatever I can get my hands on. But they’re good, try it.” Jensen dropped the burrito into Jared’s lap. “It’s gotta be better than that.” He said, grabbing Jared’s pathetic sandwich and throwing it into the water. “There now you gotta, or you starve.” Jensen winked.

“I haven’t met anyone like you before.”

“Y’know. People say that about me.” Jensen mused, watching as Jared unwrapped the foil and sniff the burrito. “It ain’t gonna kill ya, just eat it. It’s good shit.”

Oh God the burrito was good. So good and like nothing Jared had tasted before. The Padalecki’s went in for plain, home cooked food with little or no seasoning. Most of it was brown or beige and yet the burrito was nothing less than an explosion of colors and flavors. It was crunchy in places, spicy and so flavorful that Jared could feel his tongue tingling. About the tingling, well that seemed to spread because while Jared ate, he could feel Jensen’s eyes on him. Those pretty green evil eyes that sparkled when he laughed and shone like dew on a blade of grass. Jared thought while he ate his taste explosion, that Jensen looked rather like a girl. He liked it.

“I’ve been watching television through the pawn shop window since I was eighteen.” Jared said, as if his religious denomination had changed in an instant and he suddenly felt the need to confess. Jensen didn’t seem to let anything trouble him, even being called evil by a relative stranger so blurting out his huge, scandalous secret felt as easy as breathing. Who was Jensen going to tell?

“Have you?” Jensen asked, so casual and non-judgmental as he unpopped the caps on two bottles of ice cold Coca-Cola. “Why have you been doin' that?”

“For a lot of reasons.” Jared said quietly, taking the bottle of ‘Devils brew’ from Jensen because it was time to try it and the burrito had left a buzzing sensation on his tongue.

“You don’t watch TV at home, I guess.”

“No, we’ve never had a television or music, or anything like that.” Jared sniffed the open bottle but got nothing. He took a small sip then turned to Jensen with wide eyes. “It’s bubbly.”

“Yep, that’ll be the bubbles.” Jensen chuckled, watching Jared fondly as the young man took a huge gulp and then sneeze loudly.

“Oh God, that is too precious.” Jensen laughed, rubbing Jared’s back which made the boy flinch. Jensen lifted his hand, giving Jared an apologetic look.

“No, it’s okay.” Jared said, shaking his head. “You’re the first person outside of my home to ever touch me.”

“Oh man. Oh shit. I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“Honestly, it’s okay.” Jared nodded, and kept on nodding until he was crying his heart out. 

“Damn, I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” Jensen said, rubbing his face and scratching at his stubble as Jared slowly tilted sideways until his head was resting against Jensen’s shoulder. “Shit, what have they done to you?” His arm hovered over Jared’s back which was drenched with sweat under three layers of clothing and trembling with deep, hollow sobs. There wasn’t a part of him that wanted to deny Jared affection and so he wrapped his arm around him tightly and just let him cry.


	3. Chapter 3

Jared snapped back into the world as if someone had shocked him with a live wire, sucking in a deep breath and pulling back from Jensen’s body. Jared felt instantly remorseful that he had allowed himself to feel vulnerable, allowed another man to touch him, eaten exotic foods and voiced a few of the things that had been trapped inside his head since he had been a young boy. 

“Don’t tell anyone.” Jared said with a little anger in his voice as he wiped his tears away with grubby hands.

“I don’t know anyone around here _to_ tell.” 

“Okay.” Jared nodded.

“Why don’t you leave ‘em? Your folks. You’re an adult.”

“We should get back to work.” Jared said, standing up and leaving the barely touched bottle of Coke on the ground. “Pastor Lee will be wondering where we are.”

“Uh, yeah. Good point.” Jensen nodded, deciding not to press Jared any further then watching as the boy made his way back to the church alone.

The rest of the afternoon was spent separately, each of them working on different sides of the church. For Jensen it was business as usual; music and cussing filling the air. Jared on the other hand was feeling all kinds of nervous about his behavior at lunchtime. To the majority of the human race, the boy had done nothing wrong. A relative stranger had shared his food and offered succor, acts of human nature and kindness which Jared _had_ read about in the Bible, many times. Not stupid, Jared knew that his parents had taken the text and twisted it into something ugly and repressive. Jared would have been quite happy to take all the good messages and live by those in his day to day life. He was sure that God wouldn’t want him to live in a world so beautifully created, so diverse and full of joy and color so miserably. Jared had much to think about.  
As the working day came to a close and Jared had successfully repaired the south side of the church he wandered around to where Jensen was, the work was unfinished and the carpenter was sat on a rung of his step ladder talking on his cell phone. The Padalecki’s had a land-line in their home but it was mostly unplugged and there for emergencies only. Cell phones, smart phones in particular were yet another sinful aspect of the world outside Jared’s bubble of oppression.

“Hey, I know you miss me, sweetheart but I told you back in June that it was a one time thing. You knew before we got into it that I don’t stick around places for long.” Jensen nodded, acknowledging Jared’s presence and held up a hand to keep him there. “It just ain’t my style, I didn’t make any promises and you know I didn’t.” He laughed. “See, I can hear you smilin’. Listen, if I’m ever back in Atlanta, I’ll look you up. I ain’t makin’ promises though. Listen, I gotta go, I’m still at work. Okay, Stevie. I’ll see you boy.”

Jared’s head snapped back the moment he heard the name ‘Stevie’ and the word ‘boy’. His lips pursed, almost disappearing back into his mouth through sheer shock. Jensen was gay. The boy was sure that Pastor Lee had no idea that he had hired a sinning homo to fix the church and would surely fire him if he knew because Pastor Lee talked about dirty homosexuals going against Gods word and how they were going to Hell all the time. All of those thoughts, the sermons Jared had heard and the way his parents spoke about people like that scrambled around Jared’s head so fast, it was like a conscious fever dream and he didn’t notice when Jensen was right in front of him, grinning as usual.

“Hey.” Jensen clicked his fingers. “You in there, Jared?” He chuckled. Always chuckling.

“You’re a faggot.” Jared mumbled, still in shock to come face to face with one of the Earths most prolific sinners. You know, forget murderers and rapists, in the Padalecki household, it was the homosexuals who did the worst damage to God’s ‘wonderful’ plan.

“Wow, you don’t fuck around do you?” Jensen said seriously, although there were still remnants of a twinkle in his eyes. “Evil and a faggot in one day. Way to make a guy feel good about himself. Good night, Jared. I’ll see you in the mornin’.” 

“Oh, okay.” Jared nodded. “Yeah okay. I’ll see you.”

Jensen had walked off and was already out of ear shot, packing up his tools while Jared stood there feeling much worse than he ever had in his life. Eating spicy food, drinking bubbly pop and watching television through the pawn shop window had caused nothing but fleeting feelings of guilt. What he had just said to Jensen made him feel like the worst person on Earth.

Jared obviously never once breathed a word to his parents about the days events as they sat around the dinner table eating a meal that tasted plainer than usual and only made Jared crave that delicious burrito he had eaten for lunch which had insisted on repeating on him for the rest of the day. Spicy little burps, bringing back memories of the shady lake, the sensation of bubbles and sugar on his tongue and Jensen’s perfect smile. During the families evening prayer circle, his sisters were on their best behavior as usual, heads down, good little followers who never put a foot wrong. Jared prayed for forgiveness that he had insulted a very nice man, it didn’t make him feel better but praying hadn’t made him feel anything for a very long time.

*

The next morning when Jared was sent off to work at dawn, clutching his pathetic lunch bag and water filled Thermos he was surprised to see that Jensen was already there when he arrived at the church. The carpenter was sitting in the drivers seat of his truck, the door open as soft music filtered out. One leg was hanging out of the truck swinging in time with the soft tune which sounded nothing like the rowdy music Jensen had been listening to during the day.

“I like this one.” Jared said softly, hovering by the open truck door.

“And?”

“And, I’m sorry for calling you those things yesterday. I feel really bad about it. I tried praying for forgiveness but-”

“Lemme guess, you used your own mind to help you realize that sayin’ sorry to folks is better than askin’ some made up dude livin’ in the sky to wash you clean or whatever it is you guys think He’s gonna do?” Jensen turned his head to look at Jared, he smiled slowly then nodded in the direction of the trucks radio. “It’s Dusty Springfield. Helluva voice. The Look of Love. Reminds me of my grandma.” He said dreamily.

“Oh.” Jared nodded. “I am really sorry, Jensen.”

“It ain’t your fault but I like it that you’re thinkin’ about shit.”

“I’m trying.” Jared nodded again. “Why are you here so early?”

“I figured you might want to talk about things.”

“I do.” 

“Awesome. First off, throw that crappy lunch bag in the trash, I brought breakfast with me.”

“I already had breakfast.”

“I figured.” Jensen grinned, all things forgiven. “What did you have?” He said, getting out of the truck with a white paper bag which had the logo of the local diner on the front of it.

“Oatmeal.”

“Bacon and eggs.” Jensen chuckled, holding up the bag. “C’mon, let’s got sit at our spot.”

“Alright.” 

*

Jared had known for a long while that people who sinned, at least the ones who sinned in the eyes of his mother and father could also be good people, kind people and upstanding citizens. Jared knew that the man who was always falling over drunk and getting thrown out of the bar almost every time Jared passed it was simply a man dealing with the grief of losing his wife. The traveling folks who came to town with the circus twice a year were living their lives, bringing joy and happiness to the children who lived there. Even Mr. Porter who ran the grocery store was a sinner in the eyes of Mr and Mrs. Padalecki just because he chose not to believe in the word of God, was still a happy man. So friendly, so kind and a pillar of the community. 

Jared had always walked around with his eyes open, even when he was told he shouldn’t have been. Even as a small child, the people outside his household and his church, fascinated him. People in what Jared called in his head ‘the real world’ were so much more colorful and full of life. Happier and not bogged down with a mangled version of indoctrinated religious beliefs. Jensen was, had become the catalyst to Jared’s ever changing ideas. 

“Okay, so I’m gonna start. You never answered my question durin’ lunch yesterday-” Jensen started as they sat together by the swampy lake. Since it was dawn, the air was a touch cooler than it had been at noon the day before.

“About why I won’t leave?”

“Hm.” Jensen nodded, handing Jared his breakfast which smelled delicious and greasy.

“It’s not a case of won’t, it’s can’t. I don’t have any money, even if I tried to escape to family back in Texas, they would tell my folks.”

“Dude, you’re twenty-one.” 

“I know.” Jared said tightly with a hiss in his voice. “I don’t have the money to travel anywhere. I can’t drive and-”

“Hitch.”

“I guess but isn’t that dangerous.”

“50/50.” Jensen grinned, Jared laughed. “Okay, so what other excuses you got for not leavin’?”

“They’re not excuses.”

“Yeah, they are.”

“I’m just scared, okay?” Jared snapped. “I don’t know anything other than what I was taught. But I do know that it’s all wrong. All of it. For so long now, I’ve been watching. Ever since I was small I would notice things that my sisters didn’t, and then when I was allowed to go out alone to the grocery store, I lingered about in town to learn stuff.”

“Like on the TV?”

“Yeah.” Jared nodded. “And magazines in Mr. Porter’s store. I saw things and read stuff that bore no resemblance to what I knew. Or what I _thought_ I knew. I do still believe in God but-” He shook his head. “-I don’t know anymore.”

“My folks were religious.” Jensen nodded slowly.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I mean not as intense as your family seem to be but it was enough. And it’s the same old story, I knew I was gay for a long time, when I was like seven I guess. I kept it to myself because like your folks, mine were against people being themselves.” Jensen rolled his eyes and continued. “So I came out to ‘em when I was fifteen. Okay, so understand that, right? I was fifteen years old, ninth grade. And uh, yeah they threw me out of the house.”

“What?”

“They disowned me.” Jensen shrugged, eyes on Jared as he took a bite out of his sandwich.

“But you’re so nice.” Jared said, visibly shocked by Jensen’s revelation.

“Thanks.” Jensen snorted because it was such an innocent take from Jared. “I ain’t evil, man. I just got green eyes ‘cause of genetics. No God gave ‘em to me or some evil-doin’ demon. It’s just genetics. And I’m gay because my body and mind is just wired that way. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with me. I’m just me.”

“So what did you do?”

“I hitched, I lied, okay maybe stole a little to live but I met this guy who kinda took me on as his apprentice and that was how I learned my trade. Now, I got my own business. I mean, it ain’t strictly legit but I don’t have to worry about rent or anythin’ like that because I move around from place to place and mostly live in my truck. Seen some fuckin’ beautiful places, man.”

“You live in your truck?” Jared blinked. 

“Yeah, I got everythin’ I need in the back of that truck. I got a tent, blanket, a stove for heatin’ up food. What else do I need?” Jensen laughed.


	4. Chapter 4

“What have you seen?” Jared asked, enthralled as he pulled his knees up against his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

“Oh man, so much. Been to the Grand Canyon twice. First time, I fuckin’ cried like a baby. That shit makes you feel so small, so insignificant. It’s not somethin’ you can explain to anyone. It was beautiful.”

“I’ve heard of the Grand Canyon, I think I’ve seen a photograph too. And the Statue of Liberty and the Golden Gate bridge.”

“Just photographs?”

“Hm.” Jared nodded. “I’d like to visit that bridge one day.”

“Really?” Jensen laughed then shook his head.

“Yes, I like the idea of huge man-made constructions?” Jared frowned. “Why are you laughing?” 

“It’s just uh, San Francisco just so happens to be the gay capital of the world.”

“What does that mean?” Jared blinked.

“It means a lot of gay guys live there. It’s kinda well-known for it.”

“Well, I don’t mind that. I don’t have anything against gay guys.”

“You called me a faggot yesterday.” Jensen said deeply but gave Jared a playful shove. 

“That kept me awake all night.” Jared shook his head, throwing two very pretty but remorseful eyes at Jensen who had to force himself to swallow back a comment.

“All’s forgiven, man. You’re learnin’, it takes time.” 

“I know.” Jared nodded and dipped his head as he picked at his sandwich, he was still full from the flavorless oatmeal he’d had for breakfast. “Can we do this everyday?”

“Sure we can. I like how peaceful the world is at dawn. It feels like we own it.”

“You know, you’re very spiritual.”

“I’m aware. But it’s different to religion, it’s more a state of mind, an awareness and an appreciation of the world around me. I love being alive, I love life in all the forms in comes in. You should too.”

*

Jared felt rejuvenated after his dawn talk with Jensen. Above everything, Jared appreciated Jensen’s honesty. There was no humoring on Jensen’s part, no messing around. He told Jared about life and the way he lived it in such a way that all morning as they worked side by side with Led Zeppelin on in the background, Jared memorized a bunch of questions to ask about all manner of subjects. Jensen appeared to lead a happy life, even though Jared knew that the carpenter probably didn’t pay his taxes and did a lot things that went against what Jared had once believed. Jared’s take was that Jensen was a nice man and he appeared to really care about Jared’s well-being even though they hadn’t known one another for long. The idea of someone caring so much was a new concept to Jared, because the more he thought about it, the more he realized what his life had been lacking the most. Love. 

Pastor Lee made an unexpected and unwelcome appearance just before lunchtime. Jensen was told to put his shirt back on and to turn his radio off and Jared was invited to eat his lunch with the pastor. At that point, it was still difficult for Jared to say no and he wondered as he walked into the church with his brown paper bag and water filled Thermos retrieved from the trash what Jensen would have been sharing with him at lunchtime. 

“Are you enjoying the work, Jared?” Pastor Lee said, sliding behind his desk in the vestry which was always untidy and dusty and damp at the same time. Jared had never liked the room.

“I am, yes.” Jared nodded, setting his lunch on the desk and as if he were about to be interrogated.

“How do you find the carpenter?”

“He’s good, Pastor. Very hardworking.”

“Very slow.” Pastor Lee shook his head, then nodded at Jared’s lunch. “Eat, don’t mind me.”

“Thank you.” Jared hated how meek he had become in Pastor Lee’s company and dutifully opened his lunch bag, peering inside and feeling as sad as the dry squashed baloney sandwich. 

“I couldn’t trust that manner-less hick to finish the work alone, I needed a young man who I could trust to get the job done. He’s cheap labor, the church doesn’t have the money to pay for anyone better.”

“The quality is very high.” Jared said, leaning back in his seat and as if merely talking about Jensen was helping him to relax. “I like Jensen a lot.”

“Hick.” Pastor Lee scoffed. “Not a part of my flock. I have lost count the amount of times I’ve had to tell him to shut off that Devil music and put his shirt back on. No manners and a blatant disregard for God. He’s working on hallowed ground.”

“Jensen is nice.” Jared shrugged, daring to have an opposite view to a man he knew had more than enough money to pay Jensen a decent wage.

“I like you better, Jared. You have always been one of my most reliable parishioners.”

“You like me, Pastor Lee because you’re not paying me.” Jared’s stomach flipped as if he had just faced God himself and poked him in his God eyes with two fingers. It felt, exhilarating to be that honest. Exhilarating and vaguely terrifying. 

“Jared!” Pastor Lee gasped, his fat chin wobbling against his collar. “You are a part of this church, you should never expect payment for doing God’s work. I am appalled with your attitude.”

“Okay.” Jared shrugged even though the ice he was skating on was wafer thin and riddled with cracks.

“I will be speaking to your parents about this. I always held you in such high regard. I am severely disappointed.”

“I can imagine you are.” Jared nodded, slowly standing up. “I don’t care.”

“Jared!” 

Jared walked out of the vestry so fast that he left his lunch behind, not that he was going to miss it but his mother was likely to berate him for not taking the Thermos home. Aside from that, Jared felt sick because Pastor Lee would keep to his word and would most definitely march right on over to the Padalecki’s and tell them everything Jared had dared to say. A smack on the back of the had with a metal spoon was usual as was having his hands battered with a heavy old Bible. None of those punishments had been for anything as bad as what had just happened in the church. Jared had felt numb for a large part of his life, a sheep that was a part of a flock so twisted that none of them realized just how cruel their beliefs had become.

“I can’t go home.” Jared said, thundering toward Jensen who was shirtless again and listening to a woman singing about love and sex on his radio. “I can’t.”

“What the hell happened in there? You ain’t been gone more than ten minutes.”

“Pastor Lee, he was bad mouthing you. Calling you a hick and saying that he only hired you because you’re cheap labor. I couldn’t stand it, so I talked back to him.”

“Yeah?” Jensen grinned, not at all offended by hearing gossip about himself. He knew where he was at, so the opinions of others rarely worried him. “What did you say?”

“Oh, nothing bad. But bad enough for him to threaten to tell my folks and he will, because I know that man. He doesn’t like any kind of discontent within the church.”

“What did you say?”

“I just told him that the only reason he hired me too was because he didn’t have to pay me.”

“Wow, you really showed it to him.” Jensen smirked.

“It’s not funny, Jensen. You have no idea what this means for me. They’ll punish me.” Jared was shaking, his fingers trembled as he ran them through his hair. 

“Jared, they don’t hit you, do they?” 

“No. Well, not really.” Jared shook his head as Jensen cocked an eyebrow in disbelief. “It’s my hands. She always goes for my hands, the backs of them. Spoons, the Bible, whatever is closest to use.” He shrugged.

“That is not okay, you do realize that, right?”

“I know.” Jared nodded. “But she-”

“Stop.” Jensen shifted his weight and held up a finger. “I’m thinkin’.”

“But she only-”

“Shush, stop it.” Jensen shook his head, then grabbed Jared’s sleeve, dragging him around to the back of the church as Pastor Lee walked out calling Jared’s name. 

The two stood in silence as the portly pastor waddled around the grounds but obviously and thankfully found the exertion in the noon heat too much to take and wandered back inside the church. Jared’s heart was pounding because the feeling of never wanting to go back home was real, for the first time the idea of it terrified him. Three years of grabbing bits and pieces of information about the world, the real world, the world where everybody lived had finally come to a head. Jared knew in his heart and also as an adult, there wasn’t a bone in his body nor a breath in his lungs that wanted to continue living such a strange and insular life.

“You serious about wantin’ to leave home?” Jensen whispered.

“Yes.” Jared nodded.

“Okay, I’ve got a plan. It’s complicated but if you do what I say, it should be plain sailin’.”

“Alright.” Jared was still shaking as adrenaline coursed through his body.

“I can’t quit this job, I need the money and I don’t go around places half assin’ my work otherwise I would drive you someplace outta town right this second but it ain’t my style to abandon folks.” Jensen glanced at his watch. “It’s still lunchtime. We can do this. Okay?”

“Yes.” Jared nodded.

“I want you to walk as if you were walkin’ in the direction of home. I’ll follow about five minutes later, when you think it’s safe for me to pick you up, stop. I’ll see you. Then I’ll put you up in the motel just outside of town.”

“Jensen, I can’t let you-”

“Yeah, you can.”

“The people who run that motel, they know me, they come to the church.”

“Then I’ll sneak you into the room. Man, you love excuses, don’t you?” Jensen chuckled which made Jared calm down a little and even force a smile onto his face. “Go on, go walk.”

“Jeepers, I-I don’t know if I can do this.” Jared stammered.

“You just embarrassed yourself by sayin’ ‘jeepers’, you can do anythin’.” Jensen chuckled. “Go on, get.” 

“Okay. Alright, then.” Jared hesitated but Jensen didn’t push him any further, he simply stood there in quiet support until Jared picked up his weighted feet and walked off the church grounds. Jensen waited a few minutes, just like he said he would until he got into his truck, swung her around and rolled slowly onto the street. Lunchtime seemed the perfect time for an escape. The town was never buzzing even during busy hours, at lunchtime it was like a ghost town. Jensen could see Jared walking ahead in the distance in his too short Dad jeans and dorky sneakers. His body was stiff and his steps slow, every once in a while, Jared would falter as if he were changing his mind, but found it in himself to carry on.

“That’s my boy, keep on walkin’.” Jensen said, as he cruised along the towns Main Street, waiting for Jared to stop in a place he felt safe for Jensen to pick him up. Within ten minutes, Jensen found Jared hovering down a side road which was nothing more than a dirt track which lead down to the Hopper’s farmstead. Jensen pulled up beside Jared, leaning across the passenger seat to open the door.

“In you get, Jay Bird.” Jensen grinned. “Chapter one of a new life has started.”


	5. Chapter 5

Jared had liked Jay Bird, no one had called him anything other than Jared for his whole life. He liked being inside a car too. Once, many years ago his youngest sister, Hannah had an acute asthma attack. At first, Jared’s parents refused to call for an ambulance, believing, unsurprisingly, that it was God’s work and it was His choice as to how the situation ended, good or bad. Mr. Padalecki however, seemed to have a moment of clarity and caring as he watched his youngest child struggle for air, deciding to rush to the neighbors next door for help. Jared went with his father and sister, driven to the hospital by kind neighbors whom the Padalecki’s claimed they had never liked.

Jensen’s truck was something else though, it seemed very new and smelled like pine trees and coffee. The seats were comfortable black leather and the sheer amount of buttons and dials on the dashboard were mind-boggling. As Jensen drove and Jared took in his new surroundings, the carpenter leaned across the boys body and flipped the glove box open, pulling out a notebook and a pen which he dropped in Jared’s lap.

“You know the local cops?” Jensen asked, glancing at Jared who was looking increasingly like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Uh, some.” Jared frowned.

“They go to your church?”

“Some. I think, not many though.”

“The sheriff?”

“Jensen, why are you asking me about the county police?”

“Does the sheriff go to your church?” Jensen pressed.

“No.”

“Okay, so even though you’re an adult, your folks are gonna think you’re missin’. I know folks like that, they’ll go to the cops and tell ‘em straight off. You ain’t gonna be missin’, you’re just gonna be gone. Write a letter to your sheriff saying you left town.”

“What?” Jared pushed the notebook and pen into the foot well and shook his head. “No, I can’t do that.”

“Yeah, you can. Because your folks will go to the cops. You want the cops chasin’ after you?”

“No.” Jared said glumly. 

“Then write it down, tell ‘em.”

“I don’t know what to say. Can’t we just go to the motel?”

“No, we can’t.”

“How do you know so much about all this kind of thing?”

“I’ve been on my own for ten years. Since I was fifteen, man. And I watch a lot of cop shows.” Jensen grinned.

“Right.” Jared chewed on the inside of his mouth then twisted his body so he could reach the pen and notebook by his feet.

“Just say this-” Jensen started. “-I’ve decided to leave town to start a new life-” He paused and waved a hand in the air. “-write down what I’m sayin’, man.”

“Oh.” Jared nodded, pulling the cap off the pen and copied down what Jensen had just said. “Yeah, and?”

“Jared, c’mon man. You’re the one who wants to run. You know the reasons why. Be honest and straight to the point. Oh and make sure to put somethin’ like, don’t try and look for me, I’m happy. Or words like that.”

“And then what will we do with it?” Jared asked, kind of fired up by the excitement of it all.

“You’ll go to your local cop shop and hand it to your sheriff. That way, you have back up. You will have left town by your own choice and the cops will see it as just a guy leavin’ town-”

“To go to San Francisco to see the bridge.” Jared muttered, carefully writing his goodbye note on his thigh.

“Yeah.” Jensen chuckled. “But don’t put where you’re goin’.”

“Okay.”

Jensen seemed to be quite knowledgeable about how the police worked and how to escape from one life to start another. The fact made Jared feel sad as they pulled up down a side street away from the entrance to the police station because Jensen said he ‘ _didn’t want to be implicated_ ’. Jensen did always seem happy and Jared was smart enough to realize it was because he was living the best life he could provide for himself and the newbie escapee was dying to learn more about him. It was nerve-wracking though, for Jared to be anywhere near the police station, he had never been in trouble in his life, at least not with the local law enforcement. But he had always liked Sheriff Daniels because even though he had never been a part of the church, he did a lot to keep their small town safe and always had time to talk to everyone, whoever they were at town functions and get-togethers, that included Jared too.

Jared asked the officer on the front desk to speak to the sheriff, he knew him from the church but he wasn’t a regular and barely paid attention to Jared’s request. The exchange moved swiftly, Sheriff Daniels was as friendly as he had always been when Jared took him to one side and stood there quietly as he handed the note to him, waiting patiently while he read it. A perceptive man, Daniels lifted his head and took Jared in, looking for any signs that the young man might have been under duress but could find nothing suspicious.

“Are you sure?” Daniels said quietly, glancing around as his colleagues buzzed about the room.

“Yes.” Jared nodded, smiling softly. “I need to go.” He whispered.

“I’ll keep a hold of this. Can you tell me where you’re going, son?”

“No, just away from all this.”

“Got some place to stay?”

“Yes.” Jared nodded, clenching and unclenching his fists as impatience kicked in.

“Good. Off you go.” 

“Thank you.” Jared pressed his palms together and walked hurriedly out of the station and back to Jensen’s truck.

“Done it?”

“Yeah. I’ve done it.”

“Okay, next part. Let’s hide you.” Jensen chuckled.

*

Jared had passed the motel only once before, because he and his family rarely ever left town and it was the closest he had ever been to actually being elsewhere in the world. His life in Texas had left no memory since Jared was only five-years-old when the Padalecki’s moved from there to settle in Louisiana. Jared had never slept in a bed that wasn’t his own, had never been in a room with a television in it nor his own radio for that matter. So even the simple transition from stifling family home to a sub-par motel room felt, at that point, like the greatest adventure of Jared’s life. Jensen did exactly what he had promised, paid for a room, smuggled Jared inside it and then tossed the television remote control at him.

“I gotta get back, but just press buttons until you find somethin’.” Jensen grinned.

“Oh okay.” Jared caught the remote control against his stomach and glanced around the room.

“You gonna be okay while I’m gone?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll bring back food when I finish work, but there’s a coffee machine there. Maybe don’t drink a ton of it.” Jensen smirked.

“I’ll be fine.” Jared nodded, looking vaguely terrified.

“See you around six, okay?” Jensen said, heading for the door.

“Alright.”

“Okay, see you.”

“See you, Jensen. And, thank you.”

As the door closed, Jared remained stood in the middle of the motel room. It was nice, nicer than his bedroom at home which was simply decorated and had only a bed, nightstand and a dresser in it. The room was colorful, with bright orange accents and matching furniture. The bed was large, with four pillows on it rather than the one Jared was used to. He glanced down at the remote control that he had been clutching against his stomach, studying the buttons which had numbers and abbreviated words on it which probably meant something coherent to normal people who knew how they worked. Jared sat on the edge of the bed and pointed it at the television, pressing the only red button on the remote control. Jared figured it must have been important for it to stand out so much and he had been right. The television flickered to life, blasting out a commercial for some kind of back pain medication. Jared laughed because the commercial seemed very aggressive but all the people in it, mostly seniors appeared to be happy. He sat through a deluge of commercials for all manner of things; Coca-Cola, laxatives, energy companies and ones that he couldn’t begin make out what they were trying to sell at all. And there he sat all afternoon, eventually lazing back on those four puffy pillows, watching television and navigating himself around the remote control, finally figuring out how to change channel. The volume button however remained a mystery so when Jensen returned later, he walked into a noise filled room and Jared sound asleep, hugging a pillow against his chest. Jensen noticed that the boy was smiling to himself.

“Oh, you beautiful boy.” Jensen whispered to himself as he slid a hand under one of the pillows, dragging the remote control out from under it. He turned down the volume and sat on the edge of the bed. “Jared.” He said softly, laying a hand on the boys shoulder. “I have pizza. Wake up, Jay Bird.” Jared stirred, eyes opening slowly, his nostrils twitching as the aroma of the pizza nudged at his sense of smell; warm cardboard and pepperoni. 

“Oh.” Jared mumbled, wiping sleep dribble from the corner of his mouth.

“Hey.” Jensen chuckled. 

“Hello. Is it six already?”

“Uh huh.” Jensen nodded. “You look real comfortable, I half didn’t wanna wake you.”

“I am. I was watching some show about penguins. There was a lot of snow.”

“Yeah, that tends to happen in the Antarctic.” Jensen smirked. “You hungry?”

“Yeah, I’m starving.

“I got pizza.” 

“Oh. I haven’t ever had pizza before.” 

“I figured. Do you know what it is?”

“Yeah.” Jared nodded, pulling himself up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes with closed fists. 

“Awesome. I’m gonna go shower, but help yourself.” Jensen nodded at the two pizza boxes next to the television. “Then I’m gonna tell you about all the shit goin’ down in Bible Bashin’ Town.” He cackled.

“Jensen, that’s blasphemy.” Jared gasped but was kind of amused all the same. 

“Really?” Jensen cocked an eyebrow as he stood up to take his boots off. “You gonna go _there_?”

“Sorry.” Jared muttered. “Oh jeepers, are they looking for me so soon?”

“Oh yeah. It’s all happenin’ out there.” Jensen said, watching Jared absorb the information he had just been given, waiting for some kind of freakout. Instead, Jared simply shrugged, slid from the bed and padded over to the pizza in bare feet, lifting the lid of one of the boxes.

“I don’t care.”

“You sure?”

“Hm.” Jared nodded. “I really don’t care.”

“Good, just promise me one thing.” Jensen said, walking toward the bathroom.

“Of course.”

“Don’t say jeepers ever again.” Jensen laughed.

“Okay.” Jared chuckled. “I can do that.” 

Jared had munched his way through half a pizza by the time Jensen stepped out of the bathroom in a fog of steam. The lower part of his body was wrapped in a towel and he was still dripping wet from the shower. Jared averted his eyes for what he believed at that point to be privacy reasons but Jensen didn’t seem to care about drying off and getting dressed so publically and Jared could see, just from the corner of his eye, Jensen’s soft, round ass disappearing behind a pair of black boxer shorts.


	6. Chapter 6

The town, or at least it’s most fanatical residents were all rallying around Jared’s parents as they searched for their son and just as Jensen had predicted they went straight to the police just as any worried parent would do. There, the Padalecki’s did not get the help that they had expected. Sheriff Daniel’s showed them the noted Jared had given him, relayed their brief conversation and even showed the family the security footage of a very calm and collected Jared handing him the note. Everyone, aside from the few who held the Padalecki beliefs were kind of pleased that the boy had taken it upon himself to escape from such an oppressive way of life.

“People runaway all the time.” Daniels had told Mrs. Padalecki who was thrumming with anger more than anything. “And sometimes, they just want to start anew. There is nothing I can do.”

Jensen of course heard all that via the gossip that surrounded the church while he worked. Naturally, the carpenter hadn’t escaped being interrogated about Jared’s whereabouts and lied through his teeth about it. What saddened Jensen the most was the outrage rather than concern from the Padalecki’s and the weirdos whose obsession with God had taken a strange turn. No one was truly upset, no one was heartbroken, they were all just disappointed that Jared had decided to take a different turn in life. Which of course, he had every right to do. A few of them claimed the boy had the Devil in him. 

As Jensen told Jared about the fall out from his disappearance, the boy sat quietly, still stuffing his face with greasy but beautiful pizza, nodding and shrugging and then surprising Jensen with what he believed to be true Christian behavior.

“Are you okay, though? I hope they weren’t nasty to you. Those people hide behind God and call their prejudices justified because of it. I wouldn’t like it if they were mean to you, you’ve been so kind to me and I know that they wouldn’t see it that way if they found out that you were helping me.”

“Nah.” Jensen shook his head, smiling fondly at Jared. “I can handle ‘em. I’m no one to them. They just asked me if I had seen you. Pastor Lee looked at me real suspicious, probably because you said you liked me but-” He shrugged. “-even if they _did_ find you, you ain’t twelve, man. They can’t make you go back to ‘em. We have the cops on side too.”

“I know.” Jared nodded, setting a half eaten slice of pizza in the box and deflated. At least, that’s what Jensen thought it looked like but it wasn’t a sad kind of deflation; like watching the air leave a fun bouncy castle, it was pure relaxation. Jared’s shoulders drooped, his jaw loosened and the boy turned into putty before Jensen’s very eyes. “I feel very tired, as if I have been forced to stay awake all of my life and now I finally have the chance to close my eyes and dream.”

“That’s my boy.” Jensen grinned, watching as Jared laid back on the bed as if he were the weight of a feather. 

“Do you ever get lonely? I worry about that once I leave you, I haven’t ever been alone and I don’t mean God, I mean my family. They were always around, all the time. And it was never the right kind of being around. It was claustrophobic, like the warmth here, too much and all of the time, like I was being watched constantly.” Jared paused. “Which I suppose I was now I think about it.”

“I do, sometimes.” Jensen nodded. “But I ain’t ever been that sociable, never had a large family and I didn’t have many friends at school. I’m a loner but I’m also human, and sometimes I _do_ need someone.”

“A man?”

“Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes it’s just sex, then other times it’s company _and_ sex. With you, it’s great company.”

“What’s s-e-x like?” Jared asked in a soft tone as he curled up on the bed, tucking an arm under his pillow as if motel beds were the lap of luxury.

“Askin’ the important questions, Jay Bird.” Jensen chuckled. “I don’t think I’m qualified to teach you about the birds and the bees. I ain’t ever slept with a girl neither.”

“Oh, I see.” Jared nodded. “Never?”

“Nope. I mean, there are some pretty girls out there and I appreciate that but I just, like I said, I ain’t wired to like ‘em.”

“I’m a virgin.”

“I figured. Ain’t no shame in it and if you want my advice, don’t go rushin’ into it. Learn about all the other life crap first, see the world.”

“Okay.” Jared nodded. “Can you drive me to see the big bridge?” He said sleepily.

“It’s a heck of a drive, Jay Bird. But I guess we can, we’d have to find some work along the way because I got savin’s but they ain’t gonna last me forever, not now that there’s two of us on the road.”

“Why are you being so nice to me? You barely know me, we met only a few days ago.”

“Because I know what it feels like to feel different and alone. I wanna help you, simple as that.”

“You’re definitely going to Heaven.” Jared grinned.

“Nah, I’d rather go to Hell, it looks a lot more fun.” Jensen laughed.

“I’ll come too.” Jared giggled, closing his eyes slowly. “I’d go _anywhere_ with you.” He whispered as Jensen watched him fall into a swift, deep sleep.

*

Jensen worked his slow ass off over the next few days while Jared spent his time holed up in the motel room. Pastor Lee had provided more unpaid help which didn’t worry Jensen in the slightest, just as long as he was getting paid for the work he was doing, the extra pair of hands meant that he and Jared could leave town sooner rather than later. Jared had been doing okay, aside from daily silent weeping and a couple of guilt ridden breakdowns brought on by the fact that he was sat inside reading magazines that Jensen had bought him and watching TV while the carpenter slowly sweated his balls off into oblivion. Jensen was quick to quell any feelings of guilt that Jared was feeling, hugged him when he needed it and treated him to candy bars to cheer him up. Sugar seemed to be the key to getting Jared to smile. The days became ones of routine; they would sleep in their shared bed, Jensen would get up and go to work while Jared was left behind to tidy up from the night before and then watch TV and read all day. The boy put on a few pounds, but he needed it and the slight weight gain did nothing but make him look a tad more mature and considerably healthier.

It was Wednesday afternoon when Jensen burst into the motel room with a stupid grin on his face, making Jared jump out of his skin because he was in his underwear, or rather Jensen’s underwear that they kind of shared at that point. 

“Oh Hell!” Jared yelled out, grabbing a pillow to cover himself up which made Jensen laugh.

“Oh Hell, indeed.” Jensen snorted. “I’ve seen you half naked gettin’ out of the shower. Unless you were-” His eyes flicked toward the television. “-I _hope_ you weren’t jerking off to The Dr. Oz Show.”

“Jensen!” Jared gasped, it had only been just over a week since the boy had freed himself so he was still more than capable of clutching his pearls. “No, of course not. I don’t do _that_ ’.”

“You should, it’s fun.” Jensen smirked. “Anyway, changin’ the subject, are you ready to hit the road?” He grinned, tossing a bundle of bills onto the bed and over Jared.

“You finished?” Jared grinned, clambering up onto his knees and forgetting about the pillow.

“I did. I ain’t ever gotten so much satisfaction from takin’ cash from a church fund.” Jensen snorted.

“Oh no, what were they doing today?” Jared sighed, scooping the bills up into a neat little pile in his hand.

“Praying for your soul again.”

“Not my safe return, just my soul?” Jared said rolling his eyes but not really expecting an answer to that.

“I mean, I can’t blame ‘em for it, you do kinda look like a hooker right now. _I’d_ pray for your soul.” Jensen smirked as Jared gasped again and frowned with offense since it was taking him a little while to get used to Jensen’s playful and somewhat risqué language. It took him a moment.

“Oh you, thing.” Jared laughed, eyes rolling as threw the handful of money at Jensen.

“ _Thing_. You need to work on your comebacks, Jay Bird.” Jensen chuckled, bending over to pick up the money and counting a few bill out. “Okay, so this is yours.” He said, handing Jared the cash.

“What, why?”

“For the day you worked. Save half, okay? You’re gonna need it when you find a place you want to settle.”

“And the other half?”

“The moment we find a mall or a supermarket, buy yourself some boxers for the love of God because seven pairs do me okay but not when I’m sharin’ ‘em with your skinny ass.”

“Oh, okay.” Jared blushed, staring down at the money in his hands. “I’ve never had my own money before.” He whispered.

“It’s only a days wage but it’ll grow. Since there’s two of us, means we can take on bigger jobs. You’re a good worker.” Jensen nodded. 

“Thank you.”

“Stop sayin’ thank you.” Jensen laughed.

“Just bein’ polite.” Jared said lazily.

“I know you are, Jay Bird. Okay, I don’t wanna stay here another night, so we should get our stuff together and get goin’. We’ll camp out tonight, if that’s okay with you?”

“Sure. I’m looking forward to it.” Jared nodded, swallowing a burgeoning and tearful ‘thank you’ down which made his throat pop.

“Don’t cry.” Jensen smiled, wrapping his arms around Jared’s head and kissing the top of it. “I don’t want any more tears from you, unless they’re ones of joy, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” Jared said, muffled against Jensen’s chest which smelled of sweat and half day old body spray. 

“Good boy.” Jensen kissed Jared’s head a second time then pulled away. “Come on, we ain’t got no time to lose, I wanna find someplace awesome for your first night under the stars.”


	7. Chapter 7

Jared had managed to remain hidden from view and successfully avoided running into the owner of the motel who was oblivious that he was harboring a runaway in one of his rooms, so it was vital that Jared was snuck covertly into Jensen’s truck. The carpenter was very good at being sneaky, keeping the engine running and the trucks rear door open for Jared who was able to dash from the room and smuggle himself onto the backseats.

“I know this isn’t ideal, Jay Bird. But like I said, it’s just until we’re outta town. I mean, I could just put my foot down on the gas and kick up some dust but-”

“Jensen, shut up, this defeats the purpose if you’re talking to me.” Jared hissed, pulling the door shut.

“Hey, easy tiger.” Jensen laughed, turning the truck around and pulling out onto the street. 

Jared definitely wasn’t a fan of leaving town hidden on the backseat of Jensen’s truck, it would have been braver to have made an occasion out of it; walking away with his head held high with a little bit of dignity but he wasn’t fond of confrontation and had decided quite early on during the first week away from his family, that he never wanted to see their faces again. Only forty minutes later, Jared could feel the truck slowing and pulling over to the side of the road. Jensen turned the radio down and turned around in his seat as Jared lifted his head up.

“Have we done it, are we out of town?” Jared said, slowly sitting up as Jensen grinned down at him, nodding through the windshield. 

“You could say that.” Jensen smirked. “Take a look for yourself, Jay Bird.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, just look.” Jensen laughed.

Jared sat up, and there, right in front of Jensen’s truck was a large sign, a sign Jared might have seen before if his parents had thought taken him anywhere aside from the church. 

‘ _Welcome to Texas – Drive Friendly – The Texas Way_ ’

“We’re in Texas already?” Jared gasped, clambering over the center console and the front passenger seat which made Jensen purse his lips somewhat but he let it go because he didn’t want to ruin such a momentous occasion with berating Jared for leaving dusty shoe prints all over his leather. “How?”

“Well, it seems like when your folks moved to Louisiana _from_ Texas, they didn’t go too deep.” Jensen chuckled. “Have you never seen a map in your life?”

“Of course I have, I just didn’t realize how close we were.” Jared slumped in the passenger seat, suddenly looking quite grumpy. “Now I feel dumb.”

“No, don’t sulk, man. It ain’t your fault that they sheltered you so much.”

“You could have told me how close we were.”

“I thought you knew.” Jensen wrinkled his nose. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, if anything this helps make me feel less guilty about running away.” 

“You’re not running away, Jared. You’re movin’ on. And now you’re in a brand new state, it’s a whole new world, man.”   
Jensen grinned, perpetually cheerful as usual. It always helped Jared a great deal to have someone like Jensen around.

“Yeah.” Jared nodded then leaned forward and took in the simple words on the sign and the bold image of the iconic Texas state flag. “The Lone Star State.”

“The one and only.” Jensen smiled. “If you’re so fascinated by a state border sign, I think you might pee yourself once we get to San Fran.” He teased.

“Stop it.” Jared laughed.

“Jared?”

“Hm?”

“I have a small confession to make.” Jensen said smiling, although the words sounded a lot more serious so naturally Jared reacted accordingly.

“What, what have you done?” Jared snapped. 

“Don’t look so panic stricken, it ain’t nothin’ bad. It’s just, I didn’t really need to finish the job at the church. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I _did_ need the money but I just thought if we stuck around town, it would give you the chance to go back, y’know, if you had wanted to. I needed to be sure it was somethin’ you wanted to do. And I figured a week in that motel room would give you time to think about wantin’ to run. Motels are crap, man. And the fact you stuck it out for an entire week, well, I knew that you were serious.” Jensen was smiling and wincing through his confession because Jared was unreadable at that point. The last thing Jensen wanted was for Jared _not_ to trust him.

“Thank you.” Jared said quietly. “I admit that a few times, I did think about going back because no matter what they did, they were still my family but I dunno, something would come on the TV, a beach on the West Coast or a commercial for a restaurant and I would just think ‘I will never get to see those places if I stay, I’d never seen Jensen again if I went back’.” He shrugged then smiled at Jensen. “I don’t care that you did that, I’m happy you did. So, thank you.”

“Fuck me, that’s a relief.” Jensen grinned. “I was worried for a second.”

“You did the right thing. We barely know one another and within a few days of that you were-”

“Are.” Jensen smiled.

“Are helping me start a new life. It’s crazy, isn’t it?” Jared puffed his cheeks out and shook his head.

“Just a little bit. But I seen more unbelievable shit in the movie theater.” Jensen laughed then watched as Jared continued to gaze up at the sign. “You okay?”

“Hm. I am. Terrified but I’m okay.”

“Terrified is okay, it’s normal. You’ve got a friend in me, you know that right?”

“I do. You’re my first friend.” Jared frowned.

“Better late than never, huh?”

“Yeah, better late than never.”

“Okay, so let’s find someplace to camp out for the night, maybe grab some food and we are so findin’ a store so you can buy some boxers.”

“Alright, that sounds like a great plan.” Jared said, pulling on his seat belt and rolling his window down. “Let’s go.”

*

When a person rescues a young, innocent man from a family of religious nutballs surely the first things you want to show them of the world beyond obsessive prayer circles, endless Bible studies and exuberant if not totally off the mark sermons, is what beauty planet Earth holds. Snow capped mountain ranges, deadly but beautiful stretches of lonesome desert, endless plains under domed skies but _not_ Walmart. No, never Walmart. Jared had been so very sheltered that he had never even stepped inside a real supermarket before. Mr. Porter’s grocery store was a tiny but well-stocked small town ‘Mom and Pops’ and nothing like the gargantuan retail hell-scape that was Walmart which was where Jared and Jensen found themselves after an afternoon of driving and talking about the maps Jared had found in Jensen’s glove box. He collected them apparently. Jared had commented that Jensen didn’t look the type to be fascinated by cartography but couldn’t explain why.

“I fuckin’ hate this place.” Jensen grumbled, which was the first time that Jared had ever seen him look even slightly pissed off.

“I want to go inside.” Jared beamed as Jensen reluctantly parked the car up in a parking lot that was roughly the size of Jared’s old town. 

“I get that.” Jensen chuckled lightly. “It’s like hangin’ out with Encino Man.”

“Who is that?”

“A movie with Brendan Fraser. Damn, he’s hot.” Jensen mused.

“Do you know him?”

“No.” Jensen laughed through a frown. “He’s a movie star, or was. Hasn’t been in much lately. Rick O’Connell, fuckin’ hell. Now _he_ was a sexual awakenin’.”

“Sometimes, I don’t know what you’re saying.” Jared said plainly as they exited the truck.

“And I’ll say it again, Encino Man.” Jensen muttered. 

Jared had split his wages for the days work he did with Jensen into two, it wasn’t much but enough to buy a multi pack of boxer shorts and some food for the evening. The problem was, at least for Jensen was that Jared wanted to look at everything which meant walking up and down every aisle and examining every item he picked up. Jensen was a patient man and his patience was rewarded in the form of Jared’s innocence and excitement about ordinary things that Jensen took for granted every day of his life. And on top of that, Jared was lovely to look at. It was something Jensen had noticed the very moment he saw him in his unfashionable Dad clothes and unbranded sneakers that had never at any point in history been stylish. Under the clothes, which Jensen had seen numerous times during their stay at the motel, Jared was slender but broad chested, held himself like a dancer and had a very feminine look about him that Jensen often couldn’t ignore. Jensen knew he would never go there, Jared was an innocent, a straight innocent and despite only being four years Jensen’s junior felt much younger, not just in appearance. Jensen looked and admired quietly like he did quite regularly when he crushed on an unobtainable boy or man and focused on being Jared’s first ever friend.

“I want candy.” Jared hummed as they rounded what felt like the billionth aisle which was indeed rammed with more candy than Jared had ever seen in his life.

“You’ll get a sugar high and crash.” Jensen warned, amused.

“I don’t care, I really don’t care.” Jared said, perusing the endless choices on offer. “What do you recommend?”

“I dunno, I don’t often eat candy. I’m more a chip man myself. What are your favorite flavors?”

“I like cherry, we get those, we _got_ those from the Hoppers farm. They sold them and my mother made cherry pie.”

“Good?”

“Yeah, it was-” Jared paused. “-no, it wasn’t good. It was plain and the bottom of the pie was always soggy. I feel like everything I thought I enjoyed, which was wasn’t much, was a lie.”

“They weren’t lies, Jay Bird. It was just their life that you didn’t fit into. I don’t know how you stood it for so long.”

“Fear.” Jared said plainly. “I’m still am fearful, I’m terrified about it and I’m worried about them. Is that bad? She hit me, a lot. All the time now that I think of it but I’m still concerned about them worrying about me.”

“It’s not bad, Jared.” Jensen sighed. “You’re a kind person. Hell, I don’t know many people who would appear so forgivin’ after the life you’ve had.”

“Oh.” Jared laughed, grabbing anything he could find that claimed it was cherry flavored. “I don’t forgive them. Not at all. But I still care.”

“Fair enough.” Jensen smiled. “Those ones are sour, you might not like ‘em.” He said, grabbing a bag of candy from Jared’s hands.

“But on the other hand, I might love them.” Jared grinned, snatching the bag back.

“Good point, c’mon I want to get some beers and some real food for us to eat.”

Jensen’s idea of ‘real food’ was stuff he could heat up on his camping stove; cans of sub par chilli, beans and other mysterious looking canned meals containing questionable meat. Along with it, he bought a loaf of chunky bread and a six pack of beer which lead to a brief conversation with Jared about the evils of alcohol consumption. Jensen had to explain that most people drank in moderation and the ones that didn’t were either bogged down with a lot of problems or simply enjoyed getting shitfaced every once in a while. Jared was amazed to learn that people enjoyed to do that but Jensen assured him that it was quite normal and that being a little tipsy was quite fun.

“I’m old enough to drink alcohol.” Jared said as they sat in the truck while Jensen figured out where they could camp close by.

“One step at a time, Jay Bird.”


	8. Chapter 8

After a little searching in the semi-darkness, Jensen found them a spot by a lake to settle for the night while Jared drank and belched his way through a bottle of Coca-Cola and snacked on a bar of chocolate which he wasn’t very impressed with. Jensen said it was because he needed real food, Jared told him to stop talking to him like he was his mother. Jensen took real offense at that. It occurred to Jensen though that had Jared run into almost anyone else in the construction trade, he would have found himself on a slippery slope of a too much sugar and booze binge. Jared wanted to see everything, do everything and try everything too soon but Jensen was reluctant to allow too much too soon because Jared was still prone to crying and making comments about life that he had no experience in.   
Everything he had learned up until the point whereby he was able to go out and explore the world through pawn shop windows had been twisted. Everything he knew were simply the opinions of others stated as hard facts, prejudice and ignorance dressed up all fancy as the word of God. The world was a lot to take in when a person was a part of it, learning from scratch was going to take time. Jared was impatient due to his feeling cheated and his keenness to know everything was set upon by Jensen’s patience. Jared had heard ‘ _one step at a time_ ’ over the past week more than he cared to admit.

The spot by the lake was calm and cool, very quiet and almost black if it weren’t for the amber flames of the small camp fire that Jensen had set up a little way from the truck, the back of which would be their bed for the night. Jensen was used to the great outdoors as he worked his way across America, sleeping out under the stars trusting the good grace of the elements. He was hardy and tough with a sweet nature, some might have called his arrival in Jared’s life God given.

“Why do you camp out?” Jared asked, peering into a can of chilli on the stove which look unappealing but smelled amazing.

“I told you, to save money. Motels are usually no cleaner than bein’ outside. Sometimes I’ll treat myself to a fancy hotel with a decent shower but not often.”

“How do you wash?” 

“Free water.” Jensen said, nodding at the lake.

“Isn’t it dirty?”

“If I think it is, then I boil a coupla gallons to wash in.” Jensen chuckled. “I like bein’ outside, I never liked the idea of bein’ cooped up like a caged hen, spendin’ money on utility bills and mortgages and mowing my lawn on a Sunday mornin’. The whole world is my home, and it’s free.”

“Hm.” Jared nodded, smiling to himself but he had that look. A look Jensen had picked up on whereby he had stacked up a days worth of questions that were ready to projectile from his mind. “Do you pay taxes?”

“No.” Jensen laughed. “Is that a deal breaker?”

“What does that mean?” Jared said that a lot too.

“It means, do you like me less for it?”

“No.” Jared shook his head. “I just want to know stuff.”

“And you will know stuff, but it’ll take time. So, I was thinkin’, tomorrow we could push on a little, put a touch more distance between you and your folks, maybe find some work along the way. This can be your road trip of learnin’ about life.” Jensen grinned. “And by the time we get to California, you’ll be a wise old owl.”

“Don’t tease.” Jared pouted, sticking a spoon into the can of chilli and giving it a stir. “Why did you light a fire when you have a stove?”

“Really? There’s me helpin’ you plan the rest of your life and you’re askin’ me about fire?”

“I have a lot to ask, it all comes out in the wrong order.” Jared chuckled lightly.

“Maybe while I’m drivin’, you should write everythin’ down. I ain’t an expert on every subject on Earth but I’m pretty sure I can answer some of ‘em and then point you in the right direction for the rest.”

“Yeah, okay.” Jared nodded, gingerly grabbing the hot can of chilli with a rag and pouring it into a bowl. “I like that idea.”

“It’ll give you somethin’ else to do apart from fallin’ asleep and dribblin’ on my shoulder.” Jensen snorted.

“I am so sorry about that.” Jared shook his head. “I just feel so tired all the time.”

“It’s anxiety and change, it’s tirin’.”

“You’re so understanding, I don’t know why Pastor Lee was so universally hateful towards-” Jared faltered. “-homos?”

“Nope, try again.” Jensen smirked.

“Gays?”

“Better. Homosexuals is fine, homos is not so good. The F word is an absolute no-no as we found out last week. Or if you want, I’m LGBTQ+.”

“Um.” Jared chuckled, didn’t even have to say ‘ _I don’t know what that means_ ’ because Jensen was grinning at him, ready to answer.

“Lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and other. Sexuality and gender is pretty broad and colorful.”

“Oh, I see. Yes, I remember hearing that now. Pastor Lee said that you, I mean they, the people of the LQB, um what you just said, he said they stole the rainbow from God and twisted it and-”

“Okay-” Jensen said, holding up a hand. “-I’ll stop you right there. I personally couldn’t give a stinkin’ Empire State Buildin’ sized shit what Pastor Lee had to say about anythin’ to do with the LGBTQ+ community, or where I choose to put my dick or, if I’m brutally honest, anythin’ that came out of his fat, cruel mouth. I heard his sermon that mornin’ I first met you. He was fuckin’ loud enough, and I swear the absolute bullshit comin’ out of that man’s mouth was hateful.”

“I know.” Jared said, sitting back with his bowl balancing on his knees. “I’m so sorry. And I still don’t really understand about people like you, but I do know that what was saying was wrong.”

“Thank you.” Jensen smiled.

“You don’t like religion, do you?”

“I do like it, as a concept. I mean, it ain’t somethin’ I’m interested in but when it’s good, when it’s used the right way, it’s a good thing that folks find solace in it. It’s community and kindness, or at least it should be.”

“I agree.” Jared nodded. “But you don’t believe in God?”

“No.” Jensen laughed. “Not at all. To me it’s kinda like bein’ convinced that Harry Potter is real.”

“Who’s he?”

“He’s a wizard, Harry.” Jensen chuckled as Jared frowned. “Sorry, I forget you don’t know about stuff. It’s a childrens book series and a bunch of movies about a kid who’s a wizard. Magic and stuff, few dragons too.”

“Oh wow. Like King Arthur?”

“Yeah, kinda. I mean not at all really but for the sake of this conversation, yeah like King Arthur.” Jensen laughed, he did that a lot around Jared. It wasn’t to mock, more so Jared still amazed Jensen with his lack of knowledge about almost everything. “Hold up, how do you know about King Arthur?”

“I found a book once, we had a yard sale, well a church sale and someone donated it, so I kept it, hid it inside my pants and took it home.”

“And you read it?”

“One page. My mother found it and made a whole big thing about it and we had a fire in the backyard-”

“Book burnin’. Wow, your family just get better and better. Thank fuck you didn’t find a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.” Of course that comment went mostly over Jared’s head but he got the gist of Jensen’s joke. 

*

The unlikely duo ate their chilli by the light and warmth of the fire mostly in silence. Jared was compiling his list of endless questions in his head while Jensen was trying to remember where in Texas he knew he could find work and admiring the view of Jared’s face, warmed and glowing by the light of the fire. A couple of times Jared opened his mouth to speak but nothing came of it as he swallowed what he had wanted to say so that he could give the comment or question some more thought. It helped though that Jensen was as open as he was, giving Jared some freedom to shoot his ignorant mouth off with barely any consequences aside from a well-meaning life lesson from Jensen.

“Could I be gay?” Jared said, blurting the question out so plainly it had Jensen spitting out a mouthful of his third beer. 

“Is that what you’ve been revvin’ up to ask me while you’ve been sittin’ there with your mouth goin’ like a goldfish?” Jensen smirked, shaping his lips into a protruding ‘O’ and mimicking a fish.

“I didn’t want to say.”

“Well, you got there. And to answer your question, how the hell would I know?” Jensen laughed.

“Oh, don’t laugh at me, Jen.” Jared groaned, first time shortening Jensen’s name into something more familiar. 

“You can’t catch it. It’s not a cold.”

“I know that.” Jared pouted. “It’s just, I don’t know anything about s-e-x.”

“Why is s-e-x such a pressing subject?” Jensen smirked.

“Because I feel like that was the main topic of all of Pastor Lee’s sermons. He went on about it _a lot_.”

“Probably wasn’t gettin’ any, or he was diddlin’ one of his parishioners.” Jensen smirked.

“Diddling.” Jared laughed then shook his head. “No, he would never do that.”

“People in places of power tend to be the freakiest between the sheets. You’d be surprised. So, okay. We might as well get this subject out of the way. Hit me.”

“Hit you?” Jared pulled his head back.

“I mean, ask me some questions.”

“Oh.” Jared laughed, shaking his head at his lack of slang knowledge. 

“Like, have you ever had a crush on a girl?”

“Uh, I don’t know.”

“Seen a pretty girl in church and thought about kissin’ her?”

“No, never.”

“Seen a pretty boy in church and thought about kissin’ _him_?” Jensen smirked.

“Jensen!” Jared gasped. “No, never not once. Never.”

“You _just_ only moments ago asked me if you could be gay. Why is that such a shockin’ question?”

“Because thoughts are private.”

“So is sex, mostly. Unless you count internet porn and exhibitionists.” Jensen chuckled. “Listen, you can’t have a conversation about sex and not talk about sex. Maybe I _should_ buy you a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.” He smirked.

“You’ve mentioned that twice now, what is it?”

“A book, ‘Mommy porn’. I ain’t ever read it, het sex ain’t my thing as you know but it was real popular, kind of normalized women readin’ porn.”

“I see.” Jared nodded thoughtfully. 

“Let’s start with the basics but you have to promise not to freak out and go all fanatical Christian on my ass.”

“Alright, I can do that.” Jared frowned. “But I’m not fanatical.”

“I know, it was just a comment. Sorry. Okay, does your dick get hard?”

“Oh jee-”

“Don’t say it.” Jensen cocked his head, narrowing his eyes playfully.

“Well, yeah. It does.” Jared said, setting his half-eaten bowl of chilli on the ground. He pulled his knees up tighter against his chest and tucked his face behind them like a bird sheltering from the rain. 

“That’s normal and good, no big crime there, it’s just biology. Next level up, do you touch yourself?” Jensen said, biting the spoon as he took a huge mouthful of chilli and behaving so casually that it helped set Jared at ease. A bit. A tiny bit.

“Yes.” Jared whispered from behind his knees. “But only a couple of times, once since I left. I did it in the shower in the motel room.”

“Did you?” Jensen nodded with a touch a pride in his voice because he was pleased that Jared’s penis wasn’t an entirely alien thing attached to his body. “That Dr. Oz sure does get the juices flowin’ huh?” He snickered behind his spoon as Jared looked aghast but quickly got the joke.

“Oh you, bastard!” Jared laughed, throwing his head back and reaching out, shoving Jensen sideways. The carpenter’s eyes widened.

“You just said a bad word.”

“I don’t care” Jared laughed. “Right now, it suits you.”


	9. Chapter 9

The conversation didn’t move anything further on from Jared’s self-love in the shower confession after that, mostly due to Jensen feeling that the only way to dealing with Jared’s curiosities, and not just the questions about sex, were best drip-fed and taken in by Jared in more digestible, bite-size chunks. The thing about Jared was that he knew more than he believed, the only downside was that much of it was skewed and twisted. What Jared had learned about sodomy was what would happen to you if one were to partake, not how with the right man, just how fucking amazing it could be. Alcohol was the Devils nectar, not a pitcher of Sangria with a group of friends or champagne to sip at a family celebration. Jared had to learn that the supposed evils of the world; sex, sugar, booze et al were, in moderation or not in some cases were all perfectly normal. Jared had to learn that religion, in moderation was normal too and how the people who preached to him from his cradle were hypocrites and abused the thing they enjoyed in life too. 

*

Jensen felt too lazy that night to pitch the small tent he kept folded and packed away in the back of his truck, so he unrolled his comfortable ground mat which was spongy and purple and fit the base of the truck as if it had been made to measure. Jensen had everything he needed for a life on the road in the back of his truck. Jared envied him and he told him so after a brief but mild ‘ _No, you take the sleeping bag, I’ll take the blanket_ disagreement.

“You get to see so much of the world.” Jared sighed, looking up at the black sky filled with stars and wispy gray clouds.

“I get to see a lot of America yeah. But contrary to popular opinion, this place ain’t the center of the universe.” Jensen chuckled. “If I’m honest, I do wish I could see more of the world.”

“Like where?” Jared asked, pulling the sleeping bag he had won in a fight up to his neck and turning to face Jensen. Funny how Jared had never once, even back at the motel when they knew one another a little less, had never questioned sharing a bed with Jensen.

“Australia.” Jensen grinned. “Man, I would love to go there. Go walkabout like Crocodile Dundee, mate.” He chuckled at his poor attempt at an Australian accent. 

“Is he a famous explorer?” Jared asked innocently.

“No.” Jensen laughed. “A character in a movie who lived his life out in the bush. He didn’t worry about anythin’. Just disappeared for days, wandering the country like he owned it.”

“Don’t you do that now?”

“I guess, kinda. But unlike him, I like some of the trappin’s of 21st century life. I love my truck, and my smart phone. I need Spotify in my life, man.” Jensen grinned, glancing at Jared whom he could barely see aside from two fox-like silver eyes looking back at him in fascination. “Are you gonna ask what Spotify is?” He smirked.

“Was thinkin’ about it.” Jared smiled lazily. “I don’t want to annoy you by asking questions all the time.”

“You don’t annoy me. You could never do that. Listen, if I’d had someone to take care of me when I found myself alone, I would have been grateful for it.”

“But you turned out okay, right? You live your life exactly how you want to. A lot of people would envy you, I know I do.”

“Yeah but you and I have somethin’ in common, Jay Bird.” Jensen sighed.

“We do?”

“Hm.” Jensen nodded. “We both have crappy parents.” 

“I don’t like them. I never have.” Jared said, sighing as the conversation took a bleak turn away from exciting fictional adventurers. 

“I don’t like mine much either, if they’re even still alive. Ain’t seen ‘em for ten years. Ain’t even tried to reconnect with ‘em.”

“Why?”

“Because some people shouldn’t have kids, Jay Bird. If they loved me, even just a little, the fact that I like guys should never have figured, not even for a second.”

“Our parents are two extremes.” Jared said quietly. 

“Yeah.” A little silence fell over them, as they both quietly mourned the lack of family in their lives. Jensen smiled back at Jared who looked tearful as he often did. He curled a hand out from under his blanket, reached out and gently stroked Jared’s hair. The boy closed his eyes, never having been touched in such a gentle and loving way before. Jensen hated the tears that squeezed their way out Jared’s tightly shut eyes but welcomed the fingers that found their way into his hair a few moments later. It had been a long time since Jensen had been touched in such a gentle and loving way. Sleep took them swiftly and not another word was spoken between them.

*

Jared apologized no less than six times as they pushed on through Texas after an early dawn breakfast for not knowing how to drive. Jensen suggested that Jared should apologize for everything that day in one go, even the stuff that hadn’t happened yet, just so he could avoid hearing ‘sorry’ for the rest of the journey. Jared hated feeling useless. Jensen had done so much for him, much more in just over a week compared to the twenty-one years his parents had been given. They had chosen to effectively imprison and brainwash their children, hide them from the world and warp their brains. Mr and Mrs. Padalecki had successfully molded Jared’s sisters into fresh new versions of themselves, their son had escaped. The more time that Jared spent with Jensen, the less he believed that his mother had been right about his having the Devil inside him. The thoughts still lingered of course but the more he learned and the more he saw, only solidified that he had made the right choice in leaving. God, the good one, the one whose words weren’t twisted into hate had given Jared a different kind of brain. And for that, he was thankful.

The carpenter and his disciple of curiosity pushed on through Texas, stopping at small towns to look for work, asking around at churches and community centers, stopping at the occasional construction site and even driving through residential areas, knocking on the doors of homes that looked a bit worse for wear and offering their skills for a fair price. One, one person. A kindly older gentlemen paid them not much at all to fix his broken front stoop that he had been stepping around for weeks in fear of falling into it but had been too forgetful to fix. He made them both a sandwich and sent them on the way with fifty bucks each for their troubles. It had been worth it, for Jensen, that kind of work whereby he’d made someone’s day better even though he barely earned enough to cover the gas they had used getting there and driving around finding a decent hardware store. Jensen was, for the first time despondent as they sat in the truck outside a neat little row of store fronts on the small towns main street. He counted out the money, gave Jared his half and then sighed heavily because having Jared there cost extra money, there was no doubt about it. And while Jensen was absolutely on board with helping the boy find his place in the world, he was well aware that they had to eat, travel and survive on the road. There was only one thing for it.

“I’m gonna have to do somethin’ I ain’t done for a long time.” Jensen said, leaning across Jared’s legs to open the glove box. “Can you reach, there are two decks of playin’ cards in there.”

“What do you need those for?” Jared said, rummaging around in the small compartment until he found the packs of cards.

“Sometimes findin’ work is hard, so I kinda have a back up plan.” Jensen chuckled lightly, opening one of the desks which was sans cards but rammed with folded bills.

“Gambling?” Jared asked, watching as Jensen counted the money out. 

“Listen, I’m good with money. I have my savin’s tucked away in this truck, which now I think about it, should probably tell you its location. Any way, point is I’m good with money. I have some put by, I have my day to day cash and then this, my emergency fund.”

“I’ve messed things up for you, haven’t I?” Jared said sadly, fingers itching because he wanted to play around with the unopened deck of cards.

“No, I’ve just gotta rethink stuff, that’s all.”

“Isn’t gambling risky?”

“Can be.” Jensen nodded with a quirk of his lips. “But I’m very good and okay I might cheat some if the table is full of assholes who deserve it.” He grinned.

“You’re so bad.” Jared chuckled, grabbing the cards and opening the box. “My grandma had a deck of cards in her purse, all the time. She used to bring them when she visited. She wasn’t like my folks.”

“It’s always the grandma’s who like to gamble.” Jensen chuckled.

“Yeah.” Jared nodded, flicking through the cards and studying the images on them. “So where do you do it?”

“In a bar, if there’s a game on.”

“I don’t want to go into a bar.” Jared shook his head.

“It won’t kill you.”

“I don’t want to. You go, I’ll stay here.”

“Jared, I could be gone hours. What the hell are you gonna do?”

“I dunno, nap. Eat.” Jared shrugged. 

“I don’t like the idea of leavin’ you alone in a town we don’t know.”

“I’ll be fine, I’m just not ready to go into a bar. You go, I’ll be okay.”

“Okay, your choice.” Jensen frowned but had an idea and after fifteen excruciating minutes trying to explain how Spotify worked on his phone, Jensen left Jared with a world of music and ear buds in his ears for the very first time.

“THE NOISE REALLY TICKLES!” Jared yelled.

“You’re shoutin’.” Jensen smirked. “I’ll be a fast as I can. Okay?”

“What?” Jared yelled again, pulling an ear bud from his right ear. 

“I said, I shouldn’t be too long.”

“Okay.” Jared nodded, shoving the ear bud back in and making use of the skip button each time something too noisy for his tastes came on.

Jared was quite content for the first hour or so, skipping through songs he had never heard before and replaying ones that to him were pleasing. He decided that he didn’t like the people called Van Halen because the music was very loud and screechy but enjoyed it when Spotify went ‘off-road’ and recommended Dolly Parton. Jared listened to ‘Islands in the Stream’ four times. In between napping and finishing off his Walmart candy haul, Jared took short walks on the sidewalk to stretch his legs because Jensen wasn’t lying about being gone for hours. 

At around 11pm, the bar started to slowly empty. A few people staggered out, which instead of being outraged Jared found it amusing, chuckling to himself as one man zigzagged his way down the sidewalk, bouncing off store fronts and street lamps. Most folks walked out on a high, laughing and joking with friends, clearly in high-spirits. Jared couldn’t see anything bad about their behavior, there was no real sinning, no Devil work at play, just human beings living their lives. There was no sign of Jensen for quite a while until twenty minutes later. Jared was woken from a light doze as the bar door flew open and twanged against the wall. It was Jensen and a ‘friend’ who looked a little worse for wear but was just about lucid enough to share a long, lingering kiss with Jensen who was still in possession of his body and mind. Jared blinked, head still dipped from his nap, one eye open. Kissing wasn’t something Jared had ever seen in real life, and definitely not between two men and so he watched. He watched Jensen mostly, watched how his mouth moved and the way his tongue pressed into the guys mouth. As Jared sat there taking it in, he could feel a stirring in the pit of his stomach and inside his pants as his cock pulsed to life. Oddly, it wasn’t the physical reaction that worried Jared, more so the feeling inside his belly. A horrible feeling, the kind of feeling a person is left with after they’ve thrown up. Jared didn’t understand it, the sudden bitter taste in his mouth that was left there after he quickly closed his eyes as Jensen freed himself and walked toward the truck, pretending that he hadn’t seen what he had seen, nor felt the horrible, disagreeable feeling in his belly that he never wanted to feel again.

Jared was jealous and he didn’t even know it.


	10. Chapter 10

Jensen had won enough that night at the bar to help see them through the long haul of the rest of the Lone Star state as they headed to New Mexico. Jensen was keen to write Texas off because experience had given him the knowledge that the kind of work he was used to was plentiful in New Mexico. Jared was excited to visit another state and along with his list of life questions Jensen had asked him to compile he had also treated himself to a map of his own so he could cross off the states as they visited them. ‘ _Only another forty-seven to go_ ’ Jensen had said as Jared put a red line through Louisiana, Texas and New Mexico the very second they crossed the state line. Their arrival in ‘The Land of Enchantment’ marked three weeks since their first meeting outside the church, three weeks of Jared learning about the world, obtaining a sugar addiction and rethinking that kiss he witnessed outside what he referred to in his head as ‘the gambling bar’. Jensen remained eternally cheerful despite their lack of funds, Jared learned the phrase ‘money doesn’t grow on trees’ and was himself eager to find some semi-permanent work by way of a change from driving, eating and sleeping.

Jared found Jensen to be great company though and often worried about the future. The carpenter had said several times that he wasn’t the settling down type and seemed quiet enthusiastic about finding Jared a place where he could start a new life, alone. And that had always been the plan, at least from the beginning; Jensen would give him a ride to see the ‘big bridge’ and teach Jared some life lessons along the way and then leave the emancipated young man to get on with his life. The problem was, the more time Jared spent with Jensen, the more he concerned himself with the idea that once Jensen left him in San Francisco, they likely wouldn’t see one another ever again. 

*

A construction site on the outskirts of Santa Fe was advertizing for help, a small project of a dozen or so new build homes with a view to be completed before Thanksgiving. The site was a mess and looked to Jensen as being a vaguely shady project but they were the ones who usually paid cash, offered no promise of being kept on through the duration and didn’t care if the workers suddenly decided to fuck off before completing the work. It was one of the many sites that Jensen came across in his vast travels, perfect for drifters who didn’t like to linger too long in one place. Perfect for those who wanted to work for a weeks wage until they moved onto another town, city or state. The guy who ran the site out of a rusty old Airstream trailer which Jensen lost his mind over temporarily, complaining about how anyone could allow a slice of American automobile history suffer so much, was just as shady as Jensen had warned Jared about. There were no questions asked, aside from inquiring about Jared and Jensen’s skills. The man was brusk, rude and eyed the pair suspiciously.

“You two look like delicate fellas.” 

“I can assure you, we ain’t.” Jensen said, holding his hands up, calloused working palms out. 

“What about him?” The man said, nodding at Jared who facially _was_ delicate looking despite towering over him quite impressively. 

“Hard worker. He’s strong.” Jensen said tightly, not enjoying the scrutiny because he could see the question ‘ _You two a coupla shirt-lifters?_ ’ dancing behind the mans beady pale blue eyes. 

“Eight bucks an hour each, 6am start, 4pm finish.”

“That’s barely over minimum wage, man. We’re skilled workers. Jensen countered. “Ten.”

“Nine and you’ll like.” The man snorted. Just like a little pig.

“Nine fifty and _you’ll_ it.”

“Deal. Start tomorrow, don’t be late. And no shit stabbin’ in my houses when you think no one’s lookin’.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Jensen glowered through a smile then muttered. “We’ll wait for an audience.”

“What’s s-h-i-t stabbing?” Jared asked, spelling out the bad word which made Jensen smirk as they walked back to the truck.

“I ain’t tellin’ you unless you say the bad word, Jay Bird.”

“Oh Jen, come on. Tell me.” Jared laughed because as much as cussing was normal for some in the grand scheme of ‘sins’ it was still a huge deal for Jared who was still trying to unlearn ‘jeepers’.

“Say shit.” Jensen grinned. “Go on, I dare ya.” 

“No.”

“It ain’t that bad. Say it.”

“Shit.” Jared whispered.

“There you go. And hey, you didn’t get struck by lightenin’.” Jensen teased then Jared shoved him hard.

“You’re so strong, it freaks me out.” Jensen laughed, making sense of his legs as he righted himself after a little sideways tumble thanks to Jared’s immense strength and bear paws. 

“I’m six foot four, it would be strange if I wasn’t. So come on, what did he mean?” Jared leaned across the roof of the truck, hands clasped.

“He thinks we might soil his construction site by havin’ anal sex during our lunch break.” Jensen smirked. 

“Oh, oh my.” Jared blushed to high heaven. “He thinks we’re together?”

“Yes. It must be because we’re both so damn pretty.” Jensen said, getting into the truck.

“Well, I don’t hate it.” Jared said casually. Jensen hadn’t heard him.

Jensen was craving a shower and so the night before they started working on the site, he booked them into a pretty dire motel which looked terrible on the outside and marginally better on the inside. The bed sheets were clean and the bathtub cum shower was acceptable. Jared made a beeline for the television the moment they walked inside while Jensen made use of the facilities, keen to wash off a few days worth of traveling grime and promised Jared he wouldn’t use all the hot water. 

“Wanna go out for dinner tonight?” Jensen asked, screwing the corner of a towel into his left ear as he stepped out of the bathroom, naked. Jared looked up from the television and well, he stared. Looking away suddenly wasn’t an option. Looking away never once crossed his mind as his eyes went south and lingered over Jensen’s flaccid dick.

“Or we could stay in and eat?” Jensen laughed. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Jared nodded like a bobble-head version of himself, eyes still drawn to Jensen’s cock.

“Jared? You’re starin’, man.”

“I know.”

“Um, stop maybe, unless you want to suck it.” 

“Jensen!” Jared gasped. 

“I was jokin’, man. Lighten up.”

“It’s not funny.” Jared felt himself gradually drowning in embarrassment and dealt with it by laying the blame on Jensen in the worst way possible. “Is this what you do?”

“Uh-”

“Go around the country picking up dumb pretty guys like me to corrupt them and abuse them?” Jared said, face still raging red from the shame of allowing his eyes to wander.

“What?” Jensen laughed at first because the words didn’t sound like Jared at all. More like a parody of his former self.

“I know men like you, I saw you at that bar, kissing that stranger. Your tongue. He could have been anyone and you just let him touch you and you didn’t even know his name!” Jared got up from the bed and squared up to Jensen who was still naked, confused and relatively nonplussed at that point.

“His name was Jake.” Jensen said casually. “And for the record, I am not in the slightest bit interested in you in that way.” He said calmly as Jared stood at full height in front of him, raging like Vesuvius.

“Faggot. Dirty, unholy homo pervert!” Jared spat, literally spat the words out over Jensen’s face, while his eyes looked heartbreakingly sad and heavy with tears of rejection.

“Go and shower. I’ll go get us some food.” Jensen said, wrapping the small towel around his waist. Hurt.

“Faggot.” Jared hissed because he wasn’t finished expressing the confusion that was clouding his rational thinking and Jensen was strikingly calm.

“Go and shower, or I swear to God.” 

“He wouldn’t listen to _you_.” 

“No, I doubt that he would.”

“Faggot!”

“Okay.” Jensen chuckled, incredulous and very hurt. “Get in the fuckin’ shower!” Jensen yelled, _yelled_ the words into Jared’s face, so close their noses were almost touching. Jared was vibrating with anger, shame and so much more as he shoved past Jensen and stormed into the bathroom. Jensen flinched as the door was slammed shut and used every resource he had to stop himself from crying.

*

Jensen put some space between them, he went out to get food as he had promised he would while they were booking the room with one bed because Jared insisted he didn’t mind sharing. Jensen went further than was needed, driving out to a Denny’s on the interstate and wondering if he should just keep driving and leave Jared there to deal with whatever shit he was dealing with alone. The thought was fleeting though, not even a hesitation as he turned around and headed back to the motel. It had only been thirty minutes, forty tops but the bathroom door was shut and the shower was still running when Jensen walked into the room.

“Jared!” Jensen called out. “I got food!” All was forgiven because Jensen wasn’t an asshole and even after the time they had spent together, as much as he could empathize, he really couldn’t fully understand the oppressive weird life that Jared had endured. There was no response from Jared’s side of the door and it wasn’t until Jensen took a few steps closer that he heard soft sobs, dulled by the sound of running water. “Jared, you okay in there, man?” He said, cheek pressed against the door. Nothing. “Jay Bird, I got you a cheeseburger. Your favorite.” 

The sobs intensified at that point which lead to Jensen bursting into the bathroom through sheer concern and finding Jared curled up in the bathtub, naked, shivering and crying his heart out.

“Jesus Christ.” Jensen groaned, grabbing a towel from the rail and reaching across to turn the shower off. Jared’s lips were blue and his skin was icy to the touch as Jensen wrapped the towel around his shoulders and heaved him up from inside the bathtub. “What the Hell were you thinkin’?”

“I-I’m sorry.” Jared said stiffly, trembling and stumbling over the edge of the tub as Jensen wiped his face with his hands. “I-I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Jesus, Jay Bird.” Jensen sighed, rubbing Jared’s shoulders with the towel while reaching out for a second to cover the boys modesty.

“I-I’m sorry.”

“Jared, please stop, you’re scarin’ me, man. You don’t have to say sorry. I’m okay. We’re okay.” Jensen sat on the floor, still trying to warm Jared up who was shaking uncontrollably and muttering what sounded like a prayer under his breath over and over.

“Jared, stop.” Jensen said, inhaling a little calm into his lungs because it wasn’t the right time for the both of them to lose the plot. “Take a few deep breaths and look at me, sweetheart.” He said, smiling and cupping Jared’s face with two wet but warm hands. “No need to say sorry any more, it’s all over, okay?”

“I-I’m so cold.” Jared said, teeth chattering through a jaw stiff with stress and almost freezing to death.

“I know, but we’re warming you up. Can you stand?”

“Hm.” Jared nodded, hiccuping through a few stray sobs. 

“Good boy. We’ll dry you off and get you into some dry clothes.”

“Okay.”

“Okay, sweetheart. Take it easy.” Jensen helped Jared up who was about as steady on his feet as new born foal.

“I’m hungry.”

“I know. I got you a cheeseburger. Extra onions, just how you like ‘em.”

“When I first saw you, I thought you looked like an angel.” Jared said, chin wobbling as more hot tears rolled down his cheeks. 

“You did?” Jensen chuckled lightly, but it was a fond laugh, no mocking.

“Hm.” Jared nodded, finally sitting on the edge of the bed and allowing Jensen to dry him off. The embarrassment had gone, all of it had gone because Jared was too drained of everything to care. “And now I think it’s because you are one.”


	11. Chapter 11

Jared didn’t each much as they sat up on the bed, each wearing a t-shirt and a pair of boxers. Jared still hadn’t remembered to buy his own underwear or any clothes for himself and Jensen had forgotten to remind him. Sharing clothes, a bed and bottles of Coca-Cola had become the norm. They watched a re-run of The Golden Girls and sat in silence except when they laughed at the funny parts. Jared had thawed out and slipped under the bed covers despite the mid September New Mexico warmth and crappy A/C. 

“Do you forgive me?” Jared said softly while Jensen flicked through the channels trying to find something else that was light and funny. If two people needed light and funny it was Jared and Jensen.

“Of course I do. No question.” Jensen said, eyes still fixed on the television. 

“I don’t know what happened.”

“Sometimes shit happens, you deal, you move on.”

“I don’t hate you, Jen.”

“I know, Jay Bird.” Jensen smiled, turned his head and looked down at Jared who had never looked so beautiful. “Why don’t you get some sleep, huh? We have work in the mornin’.”

“Okay.” Jared nodded, then turned over, pulling the covers up to his neck. The room fell silent as Jensen turned the volume down on the television and until Jared filled it with small words. “I liked it when you called me sweetheart.” He whispered. Jensen didn’t say anything back.

*

The work was hard in the heat and Jensen was thankful that he had haggled a half decent wage with the boss who did nothing but bake in his Airstream trailer and bark expletives at anyone who went near him. The pair kept to themselves mostly because they appeared to be the only English speaking employees on the site. The boss, whose name was Trent, seemed to have a penchant for cheap, exploitative labor and Jensen was sure that the others who worked no less hard than he and Jared were unlikely to have to bargained with Trent for a better wage. Jensen could have gotten mad about it but it wasn’t his place and he needed the money. A week he reckoned during a hushed conversation with Jared as they put together the bare bones of what would be a staircase, a weeks wage until they would move on because he had no qualms about leaving Trent high and dry.

Jared seemed happier, the work kept him level and focused but Jensen could feel a deep discussion brewing between them. Jared was a talker and a sharer which wasn’t a bad thing but Jensen wasn’t a shrink or a counselor, he was just a guy who was doing another guy a solid. At least, that had been the case when they first left Louisiana. Jensen knew that Jared had become attached to him and that he worried about starting a new life in California alone and perhaps at first, Jensen hadn’t thought twice about giving Jared a ride to see the ‘big bridge’ and then saying adios, have a nice life. Things between them had become complicated, there were feelings and the question of surviving on the road together, two factors that Jensen hadn’t thought very deeply about when he first suggested liberating Jared from his sheltered life. And then there was the question of Jared’s mental health, something Jensen wasn’t qualified to deal with. Being a friend was one thing, helping Jared through breakdowns was something else entirely.

Never in Jensen’s life since he left home at fifteen had he spent so much time with one person. There had been the occasional weekend spent with an easy lover or twenty-four hours with a hitchhiker but nothing quite as intense as his strange friendship with Jared. Jensen wasn’t in any way regretful for taking Jared in, more so he was concerned about doing right by the boy who was to all intents and purposes utterly reliant on Jensen’s good nature and life experience. At twenty-five, Jensen had found himself a dependent whom he cared about deeply and the more time he spent with Jared, the more difficult it was for him to even think about leaving the boy behind in a huge city. Jared wasn’t ready, wouldn’t be ready for a long time.

*

The week flew by and Jared remained steady. Both he and Jensen had slipped into working life with ease, it felt normal and perhaps a little too routine-like for Jensen who enjoyed the thrill of not knowing what would come next. As they stood together in Trent’s Airstream clutching a weeks wage each while the man droned on about what he expected from them after the weekend, Jensen chuckled to himself because the scene felt rather familiar and also because Trent’s gabbling meant nothing because come sundown Jared and Jensen would put Santa Fe in the rear view mirror.

“Why were you laughing?” Jared asked as Jensen drove them off-site, they had only stayed at the motel for one night so had been sleeping there in the truck for the week. 

“I dunno.” Jensen shrugged, disinclined to tell Jared the reason just in case the boy was triggered by it. Jensen had learned that word one night on Google while looking for tips on how to deal with trauma and PTSD while Jared was asleep.

“Was it because Trent was wasting his breath about the job we’re not gonna finish?” Jared snorted, opening his wage packet, eyes widening at the bundle of bills inside it.

“Yeah, that was the reason.” Jensen lied and not because all he could see was that scene in Brokeback Mountain when Aguirre was berating Jack and Ennis for ‘stemmin’ the rose’. Obviously, he and Jared hadn’t been doing anything of the sort but Trent had been watching them all week as if all they had been doing was making sweet gay love on his cheap ass staircases. 

“I thought so.” Jared chuckled, counting his money like a miser. “Wow, this is a lot of money.”

“It ain’t bad but I gotta say, you _will_ be spendin’ some of it the moment we find a mall.” 

“On what?”

“Clothes. Those Dad jeans are terrible and filthy and we’re down to three pairs of boxers between us. I ain’t turnin’ the ones I’m wearin’ inside outside out again, I swear to God.”

“Alright. Oh, maybe you can give me a makeup over like in that movie with the girl with the big hair.” 

“What?” Jensen laughed. “It’s makeover, Jay Bird. No make up involved, unless you’re into that kind of thing.”

“Oh, yeah that’s it. You remember that movie from a couple of weeks ago. The girl with the big hair, huge mouth.”

“Pretty Woman?” Jensen chuckled because Jared was being adorable again. 

“Yeah, that’s the one. It was so romantic.” Jared sighed.

“Was it?” Jensen couldn’t help but frown. 

“Hm, it was like us but I’m obviously not one of _those_ ladies.”

“No, you’re definitely nothing like a hooker.” Jensen smirked.

“I want the fairy tale.” Jared said softly quoting Vivian but expressing a personal wish, turning to look out of the window and clutching his money against his chest. 

*

Jared’s first mall experience was set aside the night after they had slept in the back of the truck in the parking lot of said mall. It wasn’t an ideal spot, the traffic noises from the highway kept Jensen awake on and off all night but Jared slept as he always did, like he was dead. Dead but beautiful which gave Jensen something to look at while he suffered through his traffic driven insomnia. Jared’s hair had grown like a weed in the few weeks they had known one another, once it had been dorky but shiny, short and unfashionable but as Jensen laid awake listening to trucks thunder past, he noticed the odd curl and wave at the curve of Jared’s neck which like the parts of his skin that had been exposed to the sun was honey brown and looked lived in. Jensen hadn’t lied to Jared when he had said that he didn’t think of him in a sexual nor even a romantic way. There was attraction of course, Jensen was only a human with eyes after all and there was fondness too. Perhaps also there was love, just a bit but Jensen saw it as brotherly but still none of that took away the simple fact that Jared physically was absolutely Jensen’s type; pretty, tall and slender. Above everything, Jared had reminded Jensen that even though he enjoyed his lonesome nomadic life, people needed people.

Jensen grabbed another restless hour or two before Jared was wide awake and buzzing with excitement at the prospect of visiting his first ever mall. For most people, the mall tended to be the first social location to hang out with friends in those formative years, almost like a rite of passage. Those first few moments of freedom away from their parents to spend their allowance, baby steps toward a more adult world. For Jensen, the mall was exactly what it was, a large building with stores inside it. For Jared it was another step further away from his quiet life in Louisiana.

“So, how much you got?” Jensen said, brushing his teeth by the side of the truck and spitting away the toothpaste foam into a storm drain.

“Two hundred. I put the rest with my savings.”

“Awesome.” Jensen grinned, the toothbrush jabbing the inside of his mouth making his smile look like the Joker’s.

“Will I have enough to get what I want?” Jared asked, climbing over the edge of truck, taking care not to leave sneaker footprints on Jensen’s bodywork.

“Yeah, for basic stuff. But we can make it work. I might have to help you out with some new footwear. I mean, I don’t claim to be the most fashionable guy on the planet but those sneakers-” Jensen snorted.

“What’s wrong with them?” Jared frowned.

“They make your feet look-” Jensen was trying to be nice, trying not to mock Jared because he was easily hurt, but the sneakers were a crime too far. “-like big white flippers.”

“I can’t help having big feet.” Jared smirked, clearly in a good mood and taking the playful teasing on the chin like a champ.

“No, I agree. You have nice feet, I mean, they’re huge but then _everythin’_ about you is just-” Jensen gestured ‘big’ with his hands and maybe sighed a little too because at six foot one, Jensen felt like a dwarf next to Jared some days.

“Big?” Jared continued to smirk, snatching the toothpaste from Jensen’s hand. 

“Yeah.” Jensen laughed. “But yeah, we’ll get you some cool sneakers and maybe some work boots too. I don’t mind helpin’ you if you ain’t got enough.”

“I feel like I should be doing something nice for you too. You’re so good to me, and I’ve been nasty to you.”

“No you haven’t, Jay Bird.” Jensen shook his head.

“I wanted to talk to you about the other week, the shower thing, when I yelled at you and called you those crappy names.”

“Crappy, huh?” Jensen smirked at the mild cuss word fall effortlessly from Jared’s mouth.

“I know, they were worse than crappy. They were cruel.” Jared sighed.

“Listen, if you want to talk, we can talk but not now, huh? Fun day today, shoppin’ and lunch and maybe we can pitch the tent later and talk then?”

“Alright.” Jared nodded.

“Alright. Let’s go to the mall.” Jensen grinned as he channeled his inner thirteen year-old girl.


	12. Chapter 12

Jared’s first impression of the mall was one of childish glee and excitement. Jensen had been to better and bigger shopping centers in his life but the sheer enjoyment of watching Jared take in something so very ordinary kind of rubbed off on him; the secondhand thrill of ice cream parlors, pretzel stands and oddly, Bath & Body Works. 

“We don’t really need anythin’ like this.” Jensen said, pulling his head back as Jared made him smell his billionth smell, twice he’d had to wipe liquid hand soap from his nose. 

“ _You_ don’t. All of this stuff smells incredible. I wonder if they do cherry scents?” Jared gasped.

“Ask an assistant, they probably do.” Jensen chuckled lightly, feeling just like _that_ kind of ‘boyfriend’, dutifully wandering around behind Jared with a pained but fond expression on his face.

“No, I don’t want to.” Jared said, shaking his head because he was still prone to shyness when it came to talking to strangers.

“It’s what they’re here for, it’s a wonder they haven’t pounced on us al-” Jensen smirked, cutting himself off as they prepared to be pounced upon by an overly cheerful and very, very camp young man whom Jensen would be pouncing on himself if he had been sans Jared. “-and here we go.” He laughed, watching Jared flush bright red as the exuberant young man reeled off his sellers spiel. 

“Hey! Can I help you guys with anything?”

“Yes.” Jensen said, eyes wandering over tiny hips and a slender waist. “Jay Bird.” He said, giving Jared a nudge against his slender waist.

“Oh, yeah. Um, I like cherry.” Jared mumbled, hiding behind his ever growing bangs.

“We have cherry, honey.” The assistant said, ogling Jensen which was an instant turn off because Jared was right there.  
“We have Japanese Cherry Blossom, Black Cherry Merlot and my personal fave Chocolate Covered Cherry.” The young man beamed, still eyeing Jensen because he was gorgeous. It was just a pity that Jensen’s eyes weren’t on the assistants pretty hips and waist.

“I like the sound of the Chocolate Covered Cherry.” Jared said with shy person enthusiasm.

“Good choice.” The assistant trilled, directing his words at Jensen which got the carpenters back up instantly.

“Just point us in the right direction and we can take it from there. Right, sweetheart?” Jensen said, sliding an arm around Jared’s waist which made the boy flinch and the assistant back off.

“Yeah.” Jared nodded. 

“Over there.” The assistant said, throwing a lazy arm in the direction of ‘over there’.

“What are you doing?” Jared hissed, confused as Jensen walked him across the store.

“Didn’t like how he was ignorin’ you.” Jensen muttered.

“Oh, well. I don’t blame him. You’re good looking, guys look at you _all_ the time.” Jared said casually, twisting his hips away from Jensen’s arm because it felt nice but wrong.

“They do?”

“Hm.” Jared nodded, sighing sadly as he perused the selection of shower gels and body lotions. “They never stop. I feel invisible sometimes.”

“You’re not invisible to me.” Jensen said softly. 

“Hm. I know.” 

Jared seemed sad all of a sudden so Jensen wasn’t inclined to talk him out of spending a quarter of his money on Chocolate Covered Cherry everything in Bath & Body Works. Jared was odd because on one hand, he seemed to enjoy living in the shadows and was very often too shy to speak to the friendliest of people but on the other, he craved to be noticed, to be made to feel valid. Moments like the one they just experienced reminded Jensen just how huge the change in Jared’s life was for the boy. Jared hadn’t been to school, joined clubs, signed up for Sunday Little League or the Scouts, he’d never been shopping on a Saturday with his friends, or sneaked out when he should have been at home studying. There were no memories of going to see a movie for the first time, or school proms. Up until Jared had met Jensen, there had been nothing but Bible study, church and socializing with families who lived simple lives in the shade of oppressive religious ideals. And even after all of that nothingness, Jared was nothing but kind, intelligent and thoughtful. Jensen was in awe of him, every day. 

“I think we should stop and have a coffee.” Jensen said, despite their only going into one store, he was already lagging mostly with concern about Jared who was still quite sad even though he had just made his first ever mall purchase.

“Okay, you order it though, I don’t want to.”

“That’s okay, Jay Bird.” 

*

“I think I have a sugar addiction.” Jared grinned, cheerful again as he sucked his cream laden iced vanilla latte through a paper straw.

“There are worse addictions.” Jensen grinned, quite happy with his espresso because it was going to be a long day.

“Have you ever been addicted to anything?”

“Ouch, deep question.” Jensen chuckled. “I drank a lot when I was first out on my own.” He nodded. “I wouldn’t say it was addiction but it coulda gotten that way. Lucky I found myself on that construction site. Lucky the guy I met was a decent man and not some old perv.” 

“Oh, wow. Could he have been?”

“You take a lot of risks when you’re livin’ on the streets. I was one of the lucky ones. I found someone who took me under his wing because he was just a good man, he taught me a trade. I had always been good with my hands so I learned pretty fast.”

“Why didn’t you stick with him?”

“Whole new world out there, Jay Bird. I hadn’t strayed too far from home at that point and I wanted to put some distance between me and my folks. They wanted me back home, they put up missin’ posters and shit like that, but not because they cared. It was just a front they put on after folks started askin’ where I was.”

“How do you know?”

“Small town, word gets around. So I left, kept on movin’ from place to place, earned money, I slept rough, I drank a lot of booze durin’ that time because I must have been so scared.”

“You don’t remember if you were scared?” Jared frowned.

“Nah, ten years has passed and yeah, it might not seem like a lot of time but so much happened. Shit-” Jensen laughed. “-I could write a book about it.”

“The Adventures of Jensen.” Jared grinned. “I’d read it.”

“You’re gettin’ the uncut version.” Jensen smiled. “So, what about you? Are you scared?”

“Yeah.” Jared nodded, going quiet for a moment as he thought deeply, sucking on his straw. “Every day I wake up with a knot inside my stomach, wondering if I’ve done the right thing, if I should just give up and go back home. And then I look at you-” He shrugged. “-the way you live your life and how your parents just threw you out. I don’t want to let you down, not after everything you’ve done for me. I get strength from you but it’s still a struggle.”

“Don’t worry about lettin’ me down, Jared. Even if you did go back to Louisiana, I wouldn’t judge you for it.”

“I’m never going back.” Jared shook his head. Vehement.

“Then like I said before, one step at a time. I can’t begin to understand what life was like for you. I try but it’s hard to think about what you missed out on.”

“I know you do.” Jared nodded, casting his eyes over a fancy looking patisserie in the food court where they were seated. “I’ve never had one of those.” 

“One of what?” Jensen turned around, following Jared’s eye line.

“A birthday cake.”

“You serious?” Jensen blinked.

“Hm. Never had a party or a card or a present. We had a meal and my mom baked me a pie but that was it. They saw it as a reason to thank God for my existence-”

“When really, all it was your dad nuttin’ inside your mom.” Jensen interrupted with a risky quip because Jared was becoming sad again. 

“Jensen!” Jared gasped but thankfully, creased up laughing so much that he wound up having a coughing fit. Jensen helped him through it with a few slaps on the back and a napkin to wipe away the tears.

“So, _you_ have a dirty sense of humor. Who knew?” Jensen smirked. 

“Oh wow, that was funny. Very rude but very funny.”

“You have an adorable laugh, it was worth the risk. Seein’ you smilin’ is my new favorite thing.”

“Is it?” Jared said softly, sober now from his attention grabbing laughing fit.

“Hm.” Jensen nodded and let his eyes linger on Jared’s pretty red face from over the top of his coffee cup.

“Stop it.” Jared protested weakly, dipping his head while his long bangs did their duty in hiding his face.

“Sorry.” 

“It’s okay, I don’t mind. I like it.”

Both Jared and Jensen went quiet but it wasn’t that awkward quiet whereby both parties were desperately trying to find something to say to break the silence. More so between them it was reflection, a few minutes of coffee sipping and idle people watching until Jensen spoke up. 

“When _is_ your birthday?”

“July 19th.” Jared said quietly.

“Ah, dammit. Just missed it. If we’re still together on-” Jensen looked up and thought for few seconds while Jared watched him from behind his hair. “- January 19th, we’ll celebrate your half birthday.”

“Yeah?” 

“Hm, I’ll get you a cake and a gift, maybe go out for a meal too.” Jensen shrugged.

“I’d like that. If we’re still together.”

“Yeah, if we’re still together.” 

*

There were no ‘Pretty Woman’ changing cubicle montages during the remainder of their shopping excursion because it was all about multi packs of t-shirts, boxers and socks. Jeans proved to be a problem because Jared liked the comfort and familiarity of his ‘dad’ jeans and refused at first to try something more fashionable and slimmer in fit. With a little persuading though, Jared tried on a pair of skinny jeans, nice soft stretchy ones which left nothing to the imagination but pleased Jensen’s eyes considerably.

“I feel like all of my bits and pieces are smashed up.” Jared whispered, wrinkling his nose and tugging at the fabric around his groin.

“I like ‘em.” Jensen blinked, admiring the reflection of Jared’s tiny peach-like ass over his shoulder. 

“I think you’re being rude again.” Jared smirked.

“What can I say? I have eyes, you have a very nice body, you should show it off more, girls like a man who dresses well.”

“Do men like men who dress well?” Jared said pointedly.

“Of course.”

“So you like me more now that I’m not wearing my thrift store clothes?” 

“No, I like you the same amount.” Jensen frowned. “Jared, are you flirtin’ with me?” He smirked.

“Shut up.” Jared said, glancing over his shoulder and looking at his bottom wrapped in very tight denim. “No, I just value your opinion that’s all.”

“Listen, the main thing is that you’re comfortable and I’m hungry. So choose a pair because I am goin’ to black out from lack of food any second.” 

“I’ll get these, I’ll keep them on. Will they let me do that?”

“I guess, although-” Jensen sighed, annoyed with himself for even thinking about spending another second in the clothes store. “-you can’t put those sneakers back on with those jeans. You just can’t.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Jensen groaned and set the bags from all the other stores they had been to by Jared’s feet. “I’ll go find you some, wait here. But if I die from starvation while I’m gone, you’ll only have yourself to blame.” He teased.

“I’ll buy lunch?” Jared offered with a grin.

“Deal.”


	13. Chapter 13

Jared looked lovely. And yes perhaps people shouldn’t judge others based on what clothes they wear but the saying ‘clothes maketh the man’ didn’t come out of nowhere. The outfit was simple, black slim fit jeans, a brand new crisp white t-shirt that fitted to perfection and a pair of white rip-off Converse. Jensen gave the t-shirt a neat little French tuck and Jared had a spring in his step as they headed back to the food court for a very late lunch. Jensen was starving hungry but not necessarily for food, more so for Jared who in his new clothes had a new found confidence which _shone_ out of him. Jensen knew that it was unlikely to last but embraced it and didn’t stop complimenting the boy from the moment they sat down with a baked potato each. 

“I can’t say it enough, you look so good.”

“Thank you.” Jared said for the umpteenth time, smiling a little smug smile as he rammed his straw into yet another sugar filled coffee concoction.

“Do you feel different?”

“Yeah, I feel weird but I like it a lot. My stuff-” Jared said, casting his eyes down south. “-feels like it’s tying itself in knots but I have a lot of stuff, it’s not the jeans’ fault.” He said casually and quite seriously, Jensen really laughed. “What?”

“Nothin’. You’re really funny but you don’t realize.”

“Oh.” Jared grinned. “Was that funny then?”

“Yeah.” Jensen nodded, jabbing his fork into his chilli and cheese loaded potato. “You make me laugh. You are tickin’ _all_ the boxes.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means, Jay Bird that you’re quite the catch.”

“I don’t know what you mean by that either.” 

“Wow.” Jensen’s eyes widened somewhat. “It means, for the third time, that any girl would be lucky to have you.”

“Oh, I see.” Jared nodded. “Or any boy.”

“Yeah.” Jensen mumbled. “That too.” He frowned. 

*

Jensen knew, or at least from his own experience that sexuality came about via nature, not nurture. Environment hadn’t dictated his own homosexuality, having been brought up in a strict religious household which wasn’t in any way as extreme as Jared’s upbringing but not without its prejudices. However, Jensen was still exposed to television, movies and books and everything the internet had to offer but that didn’t mean there was a huge amount of gayness around him. Gay was a slur at school and his parents were openly homophobic, along with all the other unrelated phobics a person could be. Jensen knew that he was gay from a very early age and accepted it when he was fourteen since he had the freedom to explore. 

Jared conversely had been told that homosexuality was the biggest crime against nature that modern man had ever committed, as if being queer was a new invention. Jared’s violent reaction to Jensen’s sexuality and the language he had used to express his feelings was merely a product of what he had been wrongly taught. So Jensen thought, were Jared’s little comments about wondering about being gay merely a side-effect of spending time with an openly gay man or latent feelings that were being allowed to blossom for the same reason? Jensen knew that he couldn’t pass on his ‘gay’ to Jared, all he could do was educate him about it all but it still made him think sensitively and sensibly. Jared was vulnerable and naïve, Jensen knew that and so despite his slow-growing feelings toward the boy who had just recently added ‘great sense of humor’ to his expanding list of ‘tickable’ boxes, Jensen made a pact with himself to rein in the subtle flirting and the sly looks. Hard because Jared was beautiful and becoming more so as he opened up to the world every single moment they spent in one anothers company.

*

Arizona was on the horizon but not before a relaxing evening camping out underneath the New Mexico sky. Jensen was keen to put some miles behind them after their busy day at the mall where all he treated to himself to were some new fancier boxer briefs in bright colors and a speaker dock for his phone so they could listen to music while they camped out and talked. Jared persuaded Jensen to allow him to try his first beer. 

“It’s bitter.” Jared said, pulling a face and covering a grimace on his lips with his fingertips. “I don’t know if I like it.” 

“You don’t have to drink it all.” Jensen laughed, prodding the open fire he had just built which sent what he called ‘fire fairies’ into the black sky above them. 

“No, I want to try. I want to get drunk.”

“It’s unlikely you’ll get drunk on one bottle of Bud, Jay Bird. Even for a booze virgin like you. You had big lunch and it’s not that strong.”

“Oh, well then do you have anything stronger?”

“No.” Jensen lied.

“Oh.” Jared shrugged, grimacing again around the lip of the bottle. “Never mind.”

“Did you still want to talk about what happened back in Santa Fe?”

“I dunno.” Jared shrugged, watching Jensen unbox his speaker through the amber flames. “I’ve had a nice day, I kind of don’t want to spoil it by having a deep discussion about something I’d rather forget. But-” He started.

“But?”

“I feel so bad about it still.”

“What part in particular?”

“All of it. Mostly the way I spoke to you. It keeps me awake at night.”

“That’s a lie.” Jensen laughed. “You sleep like a corpse.”

“Jen.” Jared groaned. “I mean, I think about it before I go to sleep and I feel like I haven’t said sorry enough.”

“You have, trust me. But guilt it horrible, it sticks around even after the dust has settled. I ain’t holdin’ it against you, and honestly I was more concerned about findin’ you almost freezin’ to death in the bathtub.”

“I don’t remember it that well, it’s a bit of a blur.”

“I remember it, you scared the shit outta me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For that, you don’t have to be sorry.”

“I felt as if I was falling and I was so scared, so angry. Yeah, angry. Angry at my folks for treating me the way they did. I can’t even see it as their intentions being good because since I met you I guess it’s just made me realize how little I know about everything. Usual stuff, normal things that the majority of people take for granted. I get overwhelmed choosing a cup of coffee. It’s a lot.” Jared nodded, inhaling sharply. 

“I know.” Jensen smiled. “And y’know. I’m kinda pleased you wanted to talk tonight because I got somethin’ to say too.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah and don’t misunderstand me, I ain’t comin’ onto you but I think you’re awesome.” Jensen grinned.

“Oh, Jen.” Jared chuckled.

“I mean it, man. You walked away from your life, from everythin’ and everyone because there was somethin’ inside you that just knew stuff could be better, more excitin’, more colorful. You were, _are_ so smart to see past the lies and extreme views. And you walked, Jared. That takes guts. I am in awe of you Jay Bird. And that crazy night in Santa Fe? That was nothin’ and I guess in a way, I kinda expected it but aside from that night, you have been just so-”

“Awesome?” Jared grinned.

“Yeah.” Jensen chuckled. “Fuckin’ awesome.” 

“I’m effing awesome.” Jared said loudly, holding his barely touched bottle of beer up in the air. 

“What a difference a month makes.” 

“Has it been a month?” Jared gasped.

“About that, yeah. I ain’t good at keepin’ track of time but yeah, about a month.”

“Arizona next.” Jared beamed. 

“Then Cali here we come.” Jensen reached around the fire and tapped his bottle against Jared’s who didn’t quite understand the gesture at first but copied Jensen by taking a huge gulp of beer followed by a great deal of grimacing and a very beery belch.

*

The tent was snug. Two men in a one man tent meant that it couldn’t have been anything else but snug since they were used to sleeping together with at least a good foot of space between them. Jensen was used to waking up half hanging from the bed because Jared _always_ invaded the No Man’s Land of empty space between them while they slept. Neither of them questioned the lack of space inside the tent, both of them sleeping more soundly than usual. Jensen had set an alarm which was unusual but he was keen for them to get an early start and perhaps hit Arizona by the end of the day. The high-pitched beeping wasn’t a great start to the day but as Jensen blindly felt around for his phone to turn off the alarm, he felt also that he couldn’t move that well because Jared was coiled around him tightly and still sound asleep. Jensen froze for two reasons, one being that he didn’t want to wake Jared who was sleeping through the alarm as if he were dead and also because his body felt so good. Jensen’s phone was eventually located just above his head, snooze was swiped away with the tip of his finger and his phone batted away before his hand found itself sliding around Jared’s waist. It was a hug, nothing more but the contact between was something Jensen didn’t realize he had been craving so much. 

Jensen laid his head on his bicep, watching Jared sleep on and every so often feeling himself being tugged closer by the unconscious boy and there wasn’t a part of him that wanted to shy away from it or was fearful of Jared’s reaction at waking up tucked inside Jensen’s body. So when Jared did finally begin to stir, Jensen automatically pulled back even though his body was pushing against the inside of the tent and loosened the arm around Jared’s waist.

“Oh.” Jared said sleepily with beery morning breath. “You’re very close.” He whispered.

“Can’t be anythin’ else but in this tent.” Jensen grinned.

“I like it.” Jared said, closing the space between them and clamping himself around Jensen’s slightly stiff body. “I like it.” He repeated, gazing across at Jensen who got with the program and cuddled Jared back.

Neither of them moved a muscle nor said a word as they held one another as dawn rose around them. Jensen couldn’t find it in himself to even so much as blink as Jared looked back at him with pretty slanted eyes, still puffy from a heavy sleep but no less beautiful. The cuddle was tight and they were as close as it were possible for two people to be. Jensen could feel Jared’s heart beating against his chest and smell the beer on his breath, he could see the sleep in the corners of his eyes and feel the warmth coming from his body. Jared moved, just a little pressure from his fingers against Jensen’s back which felt warm and oddly affectionate. And that was all the cuddle was, intense affection mixed with something else Jensen himself wasn’t ready to address. The feelings Jared made him feel were like nothing he had ever known. Maybe once or twice in Jensen’s past a sexual encounter might have lead to twenty-four hour lust induced ‘love’ but it never felt quite as intimate as his growing fondness for Jared. The snooze alarm on Jensen’s phone went off and snapped them both out of whatever it was they had shared.

“Arizona is callin’.” Jensen said plainly, reaching behind him to turn off the alarm as Jared sat up, neck bent to stop his head from brushing against the tent top. 

“Yeah, I can’t wait.” Jared nodded.

“Breakfast?”

“Sure thing.” And that was how they continued with the rest of the day, as if nothing had happened between them at all.


	14. Chapter 14

Jared whooped as they crossed the New Mexico/Arizona border and crossed another state from his map while Jensen told him about their plans once they were in Arizona proper and the plans were all work, work, work. Jared didn’t care even though it felt as if Jensen was being apologetic about the fact that they needed money. New Mexico hadn’t worked out for them due to their miserly boss so it was vital they found work in Arizona because Jensen was buzzing about California. Ever since Jensen learned to drive at eighteen after settling in Iowa for a year or so, the open road had been his favorite thing and in particular driving the vision of beauty that was the US West Coast. It was the road trippers dream as far as Jensen was concerned so it was understandable that he wanted to get some money behind them so they could fully enjoy the drive. It wasn’t a long slog but the views were so perfectly scenic that Jensen wanted to take his time, stop along the way and really enjoy the experience. ‘ _You’re gonna love it, Jay Bird_ ’ he had told Jared who was excited to see the ocean for the first time but sad too because at the end of the drive was San Francisco, the ‘big bridge’ and Jared’s new life without Jensen.

Arizona came up with the goods and as much as Jensen wanted to avoid Phoenix for reasons unknown to Jared, the pair were contracted to work there for a month on a construction site of new build modern homes. Jensen usually avoided contracts but the manager of the site, a burly looking man called Chris who could have been a doorman in his former life or the beefy one in the Magic Mike movies was shady but cool, offering the two carpenters much more money than pig-like Trent in Santa Fe. Not only that, Chris offered the site as a place to stay and even suggested a couple of decent motels if exposure to the cold Arizonian nights got too much. Jensen enjoyed that group of people who came filed, cross-referenced under dubious but kind. They were the people who lived their lives under the slogan ‘fuck the system’ but were always happy to do their fellow man a solid. 

“Chris seems nice.” Jared said as the pair hovered around outside a dive bar because Jensen was gagging for a tall, ice cold beer and Jared was still feeling phobic toward drinking establishments. 

“Yeah, I meet a lot of good guys like him. He’ll want quality and hard work, it’s why he offered the contract. Ain’t strictly legit but he’s one of those folks who looks after the guys he employs. I guarantee he’s lived a life on the road or he’s had it tough at some point.”

“He’s doing okay now, right? Did you see his truck?” Jared grinned even though he knew Jensen had seen Chris’s brand new Gladiator Jeep which was a beast of a truck and had Jensen quietly salivating.

“Oh man, I would murder him for that truck.” Jensen snorted then looked at Jared pointedly. “Are we goin’ in because I am tired of leavin’ you in the car like a freakin’ dog, Jay Bird. You’ve had a coupla beers with me on the road, time to drink like a man.” He smirked.

“Toxic masculinity.” Jared said, pursing his lips.

“Yeah, you also gotta stop buyin’ Cosmopolitan magazine, man.”

“I like the clothes.” Jared shrugged. 

“And the chicks?”

“No, just the clothes.”

“You’re weird.” Jensen teased, Jared just beamed at him. Mouth split in two by a row of perfect white teeth. “And so many other things.” He sighed, grabbing Jared’s arm. “C’mon, we’re goin’ in, ‘Bar Virgin’.”

“Fine but I’m having a Coke.”

“You’ll have a beer and like it.”

Okay, so the bar wasn’t nearly as terrifying as Jared believed it would be. Not a soul looked up as they walked in, it didn’t go deathly quiet like in the saloon of the Western’s Jared had seen on TV and there wasn’t a spittoon in sight. The bartender greeted them in a genuinely friendly manner and within five minutes, Jared was sitting at a table with Jensen sipping first glass of fancy IPA. 

“So, how’s your fancy beer?” Jensen grinned, watching Jared take in the new surroundings which were nothing to write home about.

“It’s good.” Jared nodded.

“Trust you to be extra with your beer choices.” Jensen smirked.

“Extra?”

“Means you have expensive tastes.”

“Oh, right.”

“Do you honestly enjoy readin’ Cosmopolitan?” Jensen chuckled, kicking his feet up onto a spare seat at their table.

“Hm.” Jared nodded. “Yeah, it’s learning about stuff, right? There is a lot of s-e-x in it.” He whispered.

“Is there?” Jensen smirked and cocked an eyebrow.

“Yeah, a lot. I had to Google a lot of the words, I didn’t know what they were.”

“Like what?” Jensen said, interest piqued because he kind of enjoyed how cute Jared got, squirming his way through bad words and awkward conversations. It wasn’t to laugh at him, more so it was adorably innocent and Jared looked fucking pretty with a blush coloring his cheeks.

“Jen, not here.” Jared shook his head, eyes rolling with quiet pleasure as he took another sip from his fruity tasting beer.

“Oh, c’mon. You can’t tell me stuff and then _not_ tell me stuff.”

“Um-” Jared glanced over his shoulder to check for prying ears then leaned across the table. “-vibrator.” He whispered.

“Wow.” Jensen smirked. “And?”

“Clitoris.” Jared whispered again. “I Googled that too-” He cut himself off, pulled a face which resembled a down turned smile and shook his head, clearly displeased with his findings.

“Not a fan?” Jensen chuckled loudly.

“I-” Jared started, wrinkling his nose and desperately trying to find the right words. “-um, it doesn’t look nice.”

“Okay.” Jensen nodded slowly. “Around ninety-seven percent of the male population would disagree.” He laughed.

“Penises look nicer.” Jared said casually, leaning back in his seat and not whispering the most vital of words in that brief sentence. Jensen choked on his beer.

“Jared!” Jensen gasped, clutching pearls he never knew he owned.

“What?” 

“I just never expected you to say somethin’ like that, man.”   
Jensen shook his head. “Jesus.”

Jensen was stunned into silence for what felt like the first time in his life. He had no idea what Jared was trying to tell him or whether it was just a case of Jared getting to grips with a whole new language, whatever it was, Jensen took it with a huge grain of salt and the conversation moved on from genitals to planning their extended stay in The Grand Canyon State. 

*

It was no surprise to Jensen that the work turned out to be demanding, by the end of the first week, Jared was lagging. Not a weak nor lazy boy by anyone’s standards but Chris turned out to be a driven man who wanted good results. And that was fair but Jared was exhausted. When Friday rolled around, Jared begged Jensen to book them into one of the two motels that Chris had recommended just so he could have a bath. Every muscle ached, his skin was red from working outside from dawn and bottled water washes hiding behind Jensen’s truck just weren’t cutting it. There wasn’t a huge amount of begging involved because Jensen agreed that a comfortable bed and hot running water sounded like heaven.

The Highway Inn was a tad more expensive than Jensen was used to but Jared offered to pay half for a weekend stay there because it had a pool. Jensen pointed out that Jared couldn’t swim, Jared said ‘ _teach me_ ’ and so the motel was booked for two nights. After a long bath and hot shower respectively, Jared and Jensen headed out to the pool, the one undesirable aspect of motels that Jensen usually avoided like the plague, mostly due to concerns that they did contain the actual plague. Happily, The Highway Inn pool looked clean and well maintained but that didn’t stop Jared from rethinking his enthusiasm about learning to swim.

“Oh, I don’t know now.” Jared muttered, arms wrapped around his body as he peered into the pool. “It looks deep.”

“You’re literally like eight feet tall, Jay Bird. You don’t have to dive in, just slide in slowly.” Jensen said, gesturing with a hand gliding in the air.

“Well, okay.” Jared muttered, moving to sit on the edge of the pool. The water was beautifully cool and tempting enough for Jared to slip into the pool and pray that his boxers wouldn’t sag and fall off. “Oh.” He chuckled, looking down at the water which came up to his chest.

“Yeah, _that’s_ the deep end.” Jensen said, pointing toward the far end of the pool as he joined Jared in the water. “Okay, you win, this was a great idea.” He grinned, dipping under the water for a few seconds then reappearing like one of those models Jared had seen in fancy cologne commercials on TV. Jensen looked _beautiful_ and then Jared lost his mind. The surge came on so fast, Jensen barely noticed until his back hit the edge of the pool and his face was in Jared’s giant hands. The kiss was too wet, too urgent, too amateur and Jensen was pushing Jared away with two hands pressed against his shoulders within seconds.

“Jay Bird, no.” Jensen said, pushing against Jared’s continuously advancing body. He was kissed again, all teeth and too much mouth. “Jared, no.” He pressed, giving Jared a harder shove which seemed to pull the boy back into reality.

“But I thought-” Jared muttered, slowly retreating with shame in his eyes.

“No, sorry.”

Jared threw his hands up in the air, splashing Jensen’s shocked face with water and then dragged himself out of the pool, shoulders up and stiff as he gathered his clothes from the ground.

“Jared, don’t run!” Jensen called out but the boy was off, stomping back in the direction of their room. “Fuck sake.” He groaned, bobbing about it the water as he watched Jared disappear from view. Jensen needed a moment, needed to give Jared a moment for the both of them process what had happened. Of course Jensen had thought about kissing Jared, many times but had successfully pushed aside his attraction to him because Jared was new to the world, new to absolutely everything.

*

Jared was walking a rut into the carpet when Jensen wandered back into the motel room, red-faced and muttering a prayer to himself which was only the second time Jensen had heard Jared utter anything God-like since August. Three times Jensen tried to block Jared’s way and three times he was shoved out of the way. 

“Now, now.” Jensen said deeply. “Stop, for God sake you’ll make yourself dizzy.”

“Why did you turn me down?!” Jared yelled.

“I’m not answerin’ anythin’ until you calm the fuck down and quit yellin’ at me.”

“Why did you?” Jared sobbed. “I thought that was what you wanted me to do.”

“Jared.” Jensen sighed. “No.”

“No?”

“Well no, not no as it goes. I like you, I liked you the moment I saw you but it ain’t as simple as just hookin’ up. You don’t even know who you are yet, let alone who you want to kiss.”

“I want to kiss you.”

“Why?”

“Because I like you. I think about you all time-”

“We’re together _all_ the time, there’s little else think about. But I ain’t goin’ there with you, Jay Bird.”

“Why not? You didn’t seem to care when that random guy at the bar was sticking his tongue down your throat. Some stranger you didn’t even know and you kissed him, Jen.” Jared was crying heavily, boy that boy could cry and it was heartbreaking to watch but Jensen was angry and couldn’t see it.

“Why do you keep bringin’ that dude up? Are you jealous?” Jensen spat.

“Faggot whore!” Jared screamed.

Jensen slapped him around the face.


	15. Chapter 15

Jared lifted a hand, fist clenched, ready to retaliate to the slap around the face that was stinging and coloring his cheek in the worst way possible.

“I swear, if that fist lands _anywhere_ on me, I’ve leavin’ you here and you can fend for yourself.”

“You hit me first.” Jared cried, slowly lowering his arm.

“Yeah, I know. But know why? Because the first time you called me a faggot, I was like ‘okay, he’s been taught that, doesn’t know any different’ and I let it go. The second time you called me a faggot, it hurt because you knew me a little by that point but still I thought ‘Jay Bird has been through a lot of trauma’ and gave you the benefit of the doubt-”

“But I-” Jared interrupted, sobbing out the two tiny words before being cut off angrily.

“No, you fuckin’ listen to me, man. Just now? No, you don’t call me names like that not when you’ve learned that they’re harmful and they hurt me. Not when you know how cruel they are. You had a chance not to call me a faggot, yet that’s what came out of your mouth and that my friend, makes you an asshole.”

“Jensen.” Jared sobbed, moving to pull Jensen into an apologetic hug.

“No, go and shower again, you stink of chlorine. Get off me.” Jensen tore his arms away and moved around Jared’s body as if he were toxic. “Go on, get in that shower, I do not want to see your face.”

Jared did as he was told and shuffled into the bathroom, sobbing his heart out. And yeah, Jensen felt bad for him, it was hard to dislike Jared even when he was being vindictive. Jensen wasn’t going to stand for name-calling and hated with a passion that it had come from Jared’s mouth. Close to tears himself, he sat back on the bed, still wet from the pool and listened to the shower running and Jared’s dull sobs. At least Jensen was there that time just in case Jared decided to do something stupid again. Jensen watched the bathroom door, his mind going over everything that had just happened. The kiss, Jared’s reaction to Jensen’s rejection of him, the slap, the almost physical fight and that fucking word that kept on rearing its head. 

The huge problem was, Jensen _did_ like Jared so much, was probably in love with him if he let himself dig that deep and yet Jensen felt like he was being the sensible one even though he was only four years Jared’s senior, he was the guiding light, the one with morals but fuck if he didn’t want to kiss Jared back. Jensen mulled over an idea that was probably dumb and thought about it deeply as he got up from the bed and headed toward the bathroom, opening the door just enough so that Jared could see him. The boy looked up with nothing but hurt and remorse in his eyes, too embarrassed about his behavior to even begin concerning himself with his nakedness. Jensen stepped in front of the shower, offered Jared a smile of peace and pulled his boxers down before opening the cubicle door and stepping inside. Jared moved back, his hands in his hair, soapy with the motel shampoo, eyes wide.

“What are you doing?” Jared whispered as he was pulled toward Jensen and out from under the flow of water.

“I’m givin’ you somethin’ to think about.” Jensen said, leaning in and pressing his lips against Jared’s mouth. He kissed him soft and slow and although the boy barely responded with his own mouth, Jensen thought it to be the sweetest, most honest kiss of his life. It was brief too as Jensen pulled away and stroked Jared’s face with back of his fingers. “Turn around, sweetheart. I’ll finish washin’ your hair for you.”

*

The remainder of the weekend was strange. Jared was very, very quiet and spent quite a lot of the time staring at Jensen as if the carpenter had grown a second head. It wasn’t uncomfortable strange though, more so as if Jared had absolutely taken Jensen on board when he said he had given Jared something to think about in the shower on that Friday evening. Jared was also attentive to the point whereby Jensen started to wonder if he should have been tipping him each time a fresh cup of coffee was set next to him and it wasn’t until late Sunday afternoon that Jared took it upon himself to start a discussion about what had happened between them. It was inevitable.

“How long did you want me to think for?” Jared said, as the credits rolled after some old melodramatic black and white movie that had Jared rapt.

“Jared.” Jensen chuckled lightly, turning onto his side to face Jared. “I didn’t mean for you to take it quite so literally.”

“Oh.” Jared blushed, nodding as he tossed his next question around on his tongue. “I didn’t get an erection when you kissed me.”

“Okay.” Jensen nodded. “Um, sometimes it takes more than a quick kiss to get hard, Jay Bird.”

“Did you get hard?”

“A little. But I was pretty stressed and so were you, so I guess that didn’t help.”

“I see.” Jared nodded slowly.

“Jared? I don’t want you to think that I ain’t interested, because I am but it’s complicated. You know that right?”

“Yeah, I know. Can I be honest with you?”

“Sure, I would love it if you were.” 

“I don’t feel much, um in a sexual way-” Jared said, whispering the ‘S’ word. “-when I look at ladies. And I don’t when I see men either.”

“Okay, well there ain’t no rush, Jay Bird.”

“But I do when I look at you. My belly rolls when you smile and everything below it goes all funny.”

“Does it?” Jensen laughed, because cute Jared was cute. “Sorry, I’m not laughin’ at you. I like it but it ain’t as simple as hookin’ up with you. I don’t do relationships and I don’t hang around places for long-”

“You stayed in Iowa for a long time.”

“Yeah, I was learnin’ to drive and wanted to get the fuck out onto the open road.”

“So a car is more important than me?” Jared sighed.

“No.” Jensen rolled his eyes. “You are _very_ important to me. You have become someone very special to me but I don’t-” He sighed, searching for the right words because Jared was a sensitive soul and their Sunday had been blissfully calm. “-I don’t want to be the guy you test out your sexuality on.”

“Oh, but it was okay for you to kiss me.”

“It was just a kiss, Jared.”

“Hm, well it seems to be easy for you to go around kissing whoever you want no matter the consequences.”

“Okay.” Jensen said, getting up from the bed. “I ain’t havin’ this conversation with you now. Forget about the cute little butterflies in your belly, forget about the kiss, forget about erections and for the love of God, forget about that guy from the bar. It was weeks ago. From now on we’re just two guys, workin’ construction and road trippin’ to San Fran. Final destination, for you.” 

“Alright, I can do that.” Jared nodded, sucking his cheeks in and clenching his fists because tears were forming.

“Okay, deal.”

*

The first few days after the deal to keep their relationship strictly platonic were strained. Jared refused to share a bed with Jensen, choosing after they had checked out of the motel to sleep in the back of the truck, leaving Jensen alone in the cramped one man tent which managed to feel empty without Jared in it. But that was fine, that was what Jensen had asked for. Neither of them stopped looking though. Stolen glances in the midst of changing clothes, lingering looks when the chance took them and quite a lot gazing if one of them found themselves awake while the other was asleep. Once the dust had settled on the new dynamic, the days working for Chris on site flew by. They worked hard, put a lot of money by and occasionally worked overtime when it was offered. The weeks pushed on and by the time their contract was over it was nearing the end of October and one step closer to the final leg of their road trip and to Jared’s new life alone. 

With the contract successfully fulfilled, money in their pockets and the beautiful promise of the West Coast in front of them definitely lifted their moods. It had become nice and normal between them, they were friends who shared jokes and a beer, brothers who consoled one another, mostly when Jared was feeling down and sometimes they were lovers on the cusp of a relationship as fun and often alcohol helped them forget their deal and they got dangerously close to breaking it. But the prospect of California was exciting and as they sat in Jensen’s idling truck, only a mile from the Arizona/California state line, Jensen asked Jared a very important question. 

“So, we need a song to see us over the border. Your choice, man.” Jensen grinned.

“Really?” Jared matched Jensen’s grin and answered the question within a heartbeat. “Islands in the Stream.” He beamed.

“Jared, really?” Jensen laughed. “Of all the billions of songs out there.”

“I want to sing and it’s the only song that isn’t a hymn that I know all the words to. Do you know the words?”

“ _Everyone_ knows the words to Islands in the Stream, it’s a karaoke classic.”

“What’s karaoke?” Jared frowned.

“Uh, it’s this thing they have set up in bars, there’s a backin’ track and the words to the music on a screen and then folks get up and sing it.” 

“Oh my God, that sounds so fun!” Jared squealed.

“Jared-” Jensen frowned, about to jokingly admonish Jared for using the Lord’s name in vain when it occurred to him that he had no idea what Jared’s second name was. “-what’s your last name? Just realized I don’t know it.” He laughed.

“Padalecki.” Jared grinned.

“That’s a mouthful.” Jensen smirked, pun completely intended.

“What’s yours?”

“Ackles.”

“Oh, funny.” Jared snorted.

“Is it?” Jensen couldn’t help but laugh at that observation. “Middle name?”

“Tristan.”

“Oo, fancy.”

“Yours?”

“Ross.”

“Nice to meet you Jensen Ross Ackles.” Jared grinned, eyes shining with what Jensen could only describe as delight.

“Nice to meet you too, Jared Tristan Pada-pada-lecki-lecki.” 

“Oh stop it.” Jared rolled his eyes as he laughed, setting up Jensen’s phone to play Dolly and Kenny.

“We ready?”

“Hm.” Jared nodded. “We’re ready.”

The music was fun, a camp fluffy song, great to sing along to but with the most inappropriate lyrics for two individuals who, despite their stupid deal, were clearly harboring strong feelings for one another. There were moments during the song, glances and looks of pained repressed feelings as they sang ‘ _we got something going on_ ’ and ‘ _all this love we feel, needs no conversation_ ’. Still, they rode it out and afterward Jensen helped Jared with the lyrics of ‘Let’s Go To San Francisco’. They were repetitive and easy to remember so Jared caught on quick and wound down the window, pushing as much of his body as his seat belt would allow so that he could sing into the Californian air. It was moments like that that Jensen often thought to himself that maybe, just maybe he was head over heels in love with the boy who had lost his religion.


	16. Chapter 16

Jared was more than happy to allow Jensen to take control of the last leg of their eventful journey to San Francisco. For one, Jensen had driven the Pacific Coast before and knew the best places to stop for the night along the way which meant the relatively short drive up to San Fran would take longer than necessary. Jared knew that it wasn’t going to be a case of Jensen throwing Jared out of the window and wishing him a happy rest of his life the moment they got there but there was an end in sight to their adventure together and Jared was just not ready for it to end. All he could do was set aside his fears for the near future and enjoy their time together and the sheer majesty of the seemingly unending Pacific Ocean. The moment it came into view, Jared was begging Jensen to stop anywhere, somewhere just so he could stand and take it all in. The view was-

“Spectacular.” Jared said, whispering the word so softly it lent itself perfectly to the hushed sound of the water beneath them.

“I don’t hear many people use that word these days.” Jensen chuckled as Jared’s head came to rest on his shoulder.

“What would you say? Awesome?” Jared laughed. 

“Yeah, maybe I use that word a little too often for the wrong reasons.”

“Did you mean it when you called me awesome?”

“Yeah, I did. Still do.” Jensen nodded, turning his palm toward Jared and taking hold of his hand. 

“Can we stay near here tonight?” 

“Yeah, we can. I mean not _right_ here because we’re on the road.” Jensen smiled to himself as Jared squeezed his hand. “But yeah, we’ll find a place close by, on the beach.”

*

“I feel like we’re missing out on some sightseeing.” Jared said as they sat on the beach with a small fire going, snacking on jerky because Jared had gotten a taste for it. “I mean, we’re in San Diego. We could visit the zoo.”

“The zoo?” Jensen laughed. “We were literally just in Arizona and you didn’t even mention the Grand Canyon once.”

“Oh yes.” Jared slumped, smacking a hand against his forehead. “Why didn’t you mention it?”

“Because we were workin’ and it was a drive literally in the opposite direction. But it ain’t gonna vanish, you can see it someday.”

“Hm.” Jared nodded sadly, all thoughts about persuading Jensen to take him to the zoo dissipating in his mind because he had said ‘ _you can see it someday_ ’. Not we, or us but you. Alone. “Jensen, you’re going to hang around for while, right? You’re not gonna just dump me by the side of the highway and leave me there, are you?” 

“We talked about this, I’ll stick around until you get settled, I ain’t gonna abandon you, sweetheart.”

“Okay.” Jared nodded and went very quiet. “Then don’t call me sweetheart because people who say things like that, they don’t walk away.” He sighed, chucking a chunk of jerky into the fire and promptly getting up and walking away. Jared did that a lot, Jensen had become used to it.

It was easier, always easier to allow Jared to flounce and take some time out rather than rehash an old, oft repeated discussions about how Jensen still planned to leave even though they both knew that they had something special between them. And it went way beyond the urgent kiss in the pool, the tender but brief moment in the shower, the hand holding, the singing of love duets, the everything that was lovely between them. Their bond was back to front and all over the place, a friends to potential lovers scenario whereby they had learned about the worst of one another first. There hadn’t been leaping into bed at the first opportunity and the fights that lovers have when the initial thrill of a new relationship faded had already played out. It was a unique situation for them both as individuals and together. Jared was still learning about himself day by day and Jensen supposed he was too because as he watched Jared in the twilight on the beach, he was finding it increasingly difficult to stick to their original plan. The thought of a life without Jared was slowly becoming Jensen’s biggest concern.

“Are you okay now?” Jensen asked, looking up as Jared returned back to their camp, a lovely silhouette of too long hair, allowed to grow out of pure rebellion. 

“For now.” Jared nodded. “That’s all I can promise.”

“That’s enough for me.”

“I love you, you know that don’t you?” Jared said plainly.  
“I think so.” Jensen nodded trying to ignore the beautiful intricate knot in his stomach that Jared’s declaration had created.

“I’m not a kid.”

“I never said you were, man.”

“I know my own mind.”

“I know.” 

“Do you love me?”

“Jared.” Jensen sighed, dragging the heels of hands over his head to cover his eyes.

“Do you, do you love me? Because I would prefer it if you told me the truth because I know you want to go once we get to San Fran. But I think it would help.”

“How would it help? How would tellin’ you I love you make this any easier?” Jensen said as the pressure of his hands against his eyes began to send his vision on a colorful trip.

“Because it would make me feel less alone.”

“This is hard enough, Jay Bird.” Jensen lifted his head, blinking as Jared came back into focus.

“You don’t have to be so stubborn about it.” Jared said, voice faltering and teetering on tears.

“I thought you said you were okay?” 

“I just want to know.”

“No, Jared. I don’t love you. Not how you want me to, man.”

“Right.” Jared sat down, slumping into the sand in one smooth move.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not sorry. But you are a liar.”

“For fuck sake, this is meant to be a fun evenin’.” Jensen snapped.

“Do you know what your problem is, Jensen?”

“No, but I have a feelin’ you’re gonna tell me.”

“You’re scared.”

“Fuck, man.” Jensen laughed. “Everyone is scared. It’s a part of life. Just some people are better at hidin’ it than others.”

“You’re bad at it.”

“Thanks.” 

“You can’t keep running away all the time, Jen.” Jared shrugged.

“Listen, I live my life the way I want to live it. I do what I want, I fuck who I want, I go wherever I want. You don’t get to tell me how I live it, okay?”

“And what about me?” Jared said bitterly.

“You live your life the way you want to, it was the whole reason why I helped you, man.”

“Stop calling me man. I hate it, it makes me sound like I’m just a friend.”

“Fuck sake, stop it!” Jensen yelled, scrambling up onto his feet, it was his time to walk away.

“Jensen, please.” Jared wailed, high drama by the high seas as he leaned to one side and grabbed Jensen’s ankle with his hand.

“Get off, let me go.” Jensen hissed.

“I don’t want to, I don’t want to let you go!” Jared was sobbing by that point, tugging on Jensen’s ankle and successfully bringing him to his knees. The sand broke his fall but he was no less angry about Jared getting handsy again during a fight. Jensen kicked at Jared’s hand, still tugging his ankle and grabbing at Jensen’s thighs, body lifting from the sand until Jensen was pinned underneath him.

“You have to.” Jensen panted, pushing at Jared’s chest. The boy didn’t know what he was doing or what his end game was as he grasped Jensen’s forearms and pressed them into the sand. “I can’t give you what you want.” He said softly.

“I love you.” Jared said, almost nose to nose with Jensen.

“I can’t.”

“I love you.” 

“Jared.” Jensen whispered, closing his eyes because Jared felt fucking perfect laying over him. The weight was delightfully erotic, familiar and the smell of Chocolate Covered Cherries filled his nose just like it had for weeks and weeks. Wafts of it mixed with construction dust and sweat and Jared’s own fresh, natural scent.

“Look at me, Jen.” 

“I can’t, it hurts too much.”

“Jen, baby.” Jared whispered. 

Jensen opened his eyes slowly because Jared’s voice was so perfectly sweet. He twisted one arm, just a little and so very gently, releasing it from Jared’s grasp. Fingers slid into the boys hair, pushing it away from his face. 

“Let me lead.” Jensen whispered.

“I always do.” Jared smiled as Jensen pressed his lips against the boys mouth and lead them into a soft but tender kiss. Their bodies which had been stiff with anger melded together like marshmallow, soft and pliable. Jared kissed pretty but hesitantly at first, testing Jensen’s bouncy lips out for size, little pecks of exploration until they both sunk into it. Easy and familiar.

“Do you love me?” Jared whispered into Jensen’s mouth, in between kisses and chaste flicks of Jensen’s tongue which had Jared squirming and stiffening inside his pants.

“Don’t make me.”

“Say it, say you love me.” Jared lifted his head, cocking it to one side. “Because you say it in every other way, all the time.”

“I ain’t ever been in love before.”

“Are you now?” Jared pecked at Jensen’s lips, each corner, the plump swell that curved down toward his chin and the pretty cupids bow under his freckled nose.

“Yeah.” Jensen nodded, turning his head to one side and screwing his eyes shut tight. His body stiffened again but his  
arms wrapped themselves around Jared’s body. “Yeah, I am.”

“Jensen.” Jared laid his head on Jensen’s shoulder, tucking it into his neck.

“You win.” Jensen chuckled lightly. It was easier and much less painful because he couldn’t see the face that broke his heart and healed it multiple times a day. “I love you.”

*

It had been exhausting for Jensen to have held onto those feelings and unspoken words for so long, it had been tiring for Jared to have had to wait, to admit himself that he was in love with Jensen and so the shared declarations lulled them both to sleep. Just a light doze snuggled into the sand, holding one another. Jensen must have slept slightly deeper than Jared so hadn’t noticed when the boy had gotten up and moved to sit by the fire and look out over the ocean until a cool breeze swept over his body. And then he heard talking.

“I know I haven’t done this in a while. I kind of needed a break, no offense or anything but I needed some time to think for myself.” Jared prayed, sitting with his legs crossed and his hands clasped together. Jensen turned onto his side, pretending to be asleep so he could listen to Jared’s soft voice. “I’m not asking you for anything because I know that’s not how you work, and honestly you don’t really work for me any more because I put my faith elsewhere. All that time I was living with my parents, the way they told me that you would be the one to guide me through my life and that everything that happened to me was your doing. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe it because if you were or are, I dunno any more, here or up there to spread love and peace, then why didn’t you do anything when my Mom hit me. Why didn’t you step in when they decided to shield me from the world? And I’m not just talking about things like s-e-x or bad words, I mean the world. Why would you create all of this beauty only to stand by and watch the people who brought me into the world keep me from it? See I never really bought it, you I mean. My Mom said I had the Devil in me because I questioned you but I know now, that it was never the Devil, it was just free thinking. But I think this might be the last time I’ll do this, it never felt right, praying to something I was told was always there watching me, looking over me. If that had been true, why did I feel so lonely for so long? The point of this is that I wanted to pray, not necessarily to you but okay, it’s more of a wish that Jensen will change his mind about leaving. He loves me, he told me, his face was right there and he told me. You never did because it was down to me to save myself, my own strength and my own mind. So, I’m gonna go now because I found what I was looking for on my own. I found freedom and love and suppose you could say that I found my own personal Jesus.” Jared chuckled to himself and glanced over his shoulder to look at Jensen. “ _He_ has taught me things, I have faith in _him_ , _he_ has guided me, cared for me and done more for me than all the people I have ever known. Jensen loves me and I believe in that.”


	17. Chapter 17

Jensen had never been prone to crying but Jared made him feel very intense things, all the time. All of the emotions related to Jared were often very overwhelming so it wasn’t a surprise when he found himself fighting back tears as he and Jared made eye contact as the boy bid farewell to God. Jensen couldn't make any promises to Jared because the boy had come out of the blue with his innocence, his wide-eyed wonder and the love he offered. October and still Jensen was unsure of his feelings, sure he loved Jared but clueless as to how to approach the idea of a relationship. Jensen just didn’t do them, avoided those who had the potential to attach themselves to him and he them. Jared wandered into Jensen’s life in his terrible clothes, a bad haircut and skewed beliefs. Jensen had meant to help liberate Jared, nothing more only to set him on a path of freedom and self-contentment. Jared looked upon Jensen as a modern day messiah, a figure to be worshiped and guided by. Jensen didn’t want to be worshiped, he was quite happy just to be loved.

“That was quite a renouncement.” Jensen said softly, propping himself up with an elbow in the sand.

“I meant every word of it.” Jared nodded.

“Did you?”

“Yeah. How much of it did you hear?”

“Almost every word of it.” Jensen smiled. “It’s wishes now, is it?”

“Yeah.” Jared nodded. “That’s what happens in fairytales.”

“This ain’t a fairytale, Jay Bird.”

“No, it isn’t but apparently more people visit Disney than they do the church these days, so I thought I’d give it shot.” Jared laughed.

“Nice.” Jensen chuckled. “C’mere.” He said, reaching out for Jared who was up like a shot and quite an intimidating creature as he stood up over Jensen’s body. “Man, you’re tall.”

“I can fold myself up real small.” Jared grinned, doing precisely that as he somehow managed to tuck himself into Jensen’s body. The boy felt cozy, his back having been warmed by the dying flames of the fire.

“I can’t make any promises, Jay Bird.” Jensen said, kissing the top of Jared’s hair which smelled like the ocean.

“I know, and I appreciate your honesty.”

“But, I _do_ love. I love you a crazy amount.” Jensen chuckled. “I’m crazy about you but it’s new to me, it’s kinda scary.”

“I was scared when I didn’t love anything.” Jared said softly, rubbing his cheek back and forth against the back of Jensen’s hand. “I’m not scared any more.”

“Let’s see what the next few days bring, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay.”

*

Jensen made quick work of the Pacific Coast Highway, it wasn’t a long haul but his initial idea about taking their time was discarded, he seemed to be in a rush. The new attitude didn’t escape Jared who tried so hard to put aside feelings that Jensen just wanted to end everything as quick as possible. Jared wanted to confront him, demand an answer; staying or going? But the thought that Jensen _could_ leave meant that Jared wanted whatever time they had left together to be happy. Jensen was doing and saying all the right things, taking Jared’s hand as they sped a long the coast, kissing it when it was safe to do so and every once in while he would tell Jared how beautiful he was. All of that could have misconstrued as cruel but Jared was keen to take anything he could get. 

“Will we see it soon?” Jared said as they drove the I-280, buzzing and sitting up in his seat.

“Yeah, we’ll see it soon, Jay Bird.” Jensen grinned, cranking up the volume so that music filled the car. A little Led Zeppelin to lift the mood even higher and just as he did so, the ‘big bridge’ came into view, The Golden Gate that Jared been so desperate to view. It looked small from where they were and as Jensen switched from the interstate to highway 101 Jared was like a sucky Garfield, almost pressed up against the windshield and doing that wide-eyed wonder look that Jensen had fallen in love with.

“Oh my.” Jared gasped, clutching the dash then turning to look at Jensen. “I don’t why but now I’m seeing it, it makes me feel sad.” He bit his lip and looked back at the bridge which after seeing it for the first time in a book many, many years ago disappointed him because it wasn’t actually golden at all. It had changed too, from one of those must-see places to the landmark of their final destination. 

“Don’t feel sad, I’ll take you someplace I know for a better view.” Jensen said softly.

“Alright, I’d like that.” Jared said, slumping back in his seat and getting a little taste of modern life whereby sometimes the things a person desperately want feel like a let down when they get them. 

The sour mood didn’t spoil the ride over the bridge. Jared sat in quiet awe, using Jensen’s phone to take pictures along the way. Pictures that if Jensen left, would go with him and leave Jared with nothing but memories that would fade over time. Jensen continued on toward the Golden Gate national park with a very silent Jared who was tossing around all kinds of thoughts in his head. A mess of thoughts to be honest. Love, fear, awe and each of them struggling for supremacy. Jensen too chose silence as they parked up, shutting off the engine which plunged them into an even quieter state of shared mind. 

“You ready?”

“Hm.” Jared nodded. “Can I bring your phone to take more pictures?”

“Sure.”

“We can take one of us together, so that you can remember me.” Jared said, an off the cuff remark that was delivered with so much sadness it made Jensen’s stomach roll.

“Okay.” Jensen smiled then they left the truck, walking side by side through the tall trees on the path leading to Marin Headland. The weather was being kind, no sea fret and nothing but late October blue skies stretching out behind the bridge. Jared smiled, he laughed at the view because it was ridiculously beautiful. Of all the wonders of the natural world yet Jared was all about the man-made bridge of dreams. Almost as if he was flipping God the bird. “Okay, this is incredible.” He grinned, glancing at Jensen who was looking so oddly neutral that Jared wondered if somehow they each had a different view. “Are you okay, Jen?”

“Yeah.” Jensen nodded, still looking out over the water. “Jared?”

“Yes?”

“Oh God.” Jensen sighed, blindly locating Jared’s hand and linking fingers with him.

“Oh no, what is it? You’re doing it here aren’t you?” Jared said with a wobble in his voice. “Please, not here. An alleyway, by a trash can, anywhere but here.”

“Jared.” Jensen chuckled, turning to look at the panic stricken boy. “I ain’t leavin’ you.” He said softly, eyes cast down.

“You’re not?” Jared started to bounce, eyes filling with tears. “It’s not a joke is it? Please tell me it’s not a joke.”

“It’s not a joke. I ain’t leavin’ you, sweetheart.”

“Honestly?”

“Honest to God.” Jensen laughed, rolling his eyes. “I can’t, there is absolutely no way I could get in that truck and drive away from you. I can’t even imagine it any more. I did, at first. In the early days but now and I guess for a little while now, no.” He shook his head. “I’m yours, if you’ll have me.”

“Jensen.” Jared whispered, launching himself against Jensen’s body. “Oh my, I was so scared.”

“I still am.” Jensen muttered into Jared’s neck as they embraced tightly, losing balance and each swaying to keep themselves upright.

“It’s okay, I’ll look after you.” Jared whispered. And it was that, those six words that opened Jensen’s flood gates. He cried so hard, harder than he remembered crying when he had first found himself alone all those years ago. The tears were ones of relief, the sheer amount of love involved and the fact that someone cared for him so deeply that they were setting aside their own personal trauma to say ‘ _Hey, I’ve had it rough too but I’ve got your back, your heart, your everything. You’re not alone_.’ 

“I know.” Jensen nodded, gripping the back of Jared’s shirt with clenched fists. “You won’t leave me either, will you?” He whispered, finally voicing his fears.

“No, never.” Jared cuddled Jensen so tight, it was too much, too restricting, a little uncomfortable but so perfect for that moment that Jensen made no attempt to wriggle out of it like he usually would have. Contact had been sex for him in his life before he had met Jared. Sex and the blinded after-glow of the act, never had it been so drenched with pure love. 

*

Jared suggested they booked into a nice hotel for the night, ‘nice’ meaning a separate bathtub and shower, guaranteed clean sheets and one of those coffee makers with the pods. Jensen went along with it because Jared was on cloud nine and he wasn’t inclined to break his spirit because Jensen was still in a reflective mood, as in he wasn’t suddenly one hundred okay and happy with life. Situations like that only happened at the end of romantic movies so there was no Kelly Clarkson song playing over rolling credits for Jensen as he carefully picked over all the concerns he’d had about his first ever relationship with an ex-Bible basher who had called him a faggot on no less than three occasions. Jensen had come to terms with the fact that he hadn’t inadvertently ‘infected’ Jared with his homosexuality and that the boy was queer, in some way. Although he had showed no interest in other men, that aspect hadn’t worried Jensen. You like who you like, it was as simple as that.

Jensen made peace also with the idea that perhaps Jared had latched onto him because he was simply the first person to come along and that it had been perhaps easier for Jared to just stick with the first person who had been kind to him in his life. They had chemistry, that was undeniable and not to mention that Jared was bulging and fit to burst inside his pants when they had shared a clinch and a kiss on the beach in San Diego. And then there was the question as to whether Jensen was ready for a relationship. His nomadic lifestyle had dictated otherwise, he had never been attracted to the idea of being a heart-breaker and so had made it clear to conquests he met on his travels that he was strictly a one night stand, a delicious afternoon delight. For Jensen, the deciding factor was simply Jared. Not a soul before him had knocked him for six quite like that boy had. Odd at first, but clearly beautiful with a sweet soul and so much honest to God love to give. Jensen would have been a fool to walk away.

With all of those concerns thought long and hard about, checked off, scrubbed out and erased, Jensen was left with one little niggle that for the first time in his life worried him. S-E-X. Jared had asked many questions about sex, he’d had a sneaky look at porn on Jensen’s phone which the drifter had only discovered after a Google search for something innocuous. ‘ _Gay sex_ ’, ‘ _men kissing_ ’, ‘ _erections_ ’ and the slightly more risqué _how to suck a penis_ ’. Jensen figured that he clearly hadn’t been giving Jared the right kind of information. But the secret search lead Jensen to believe that Jared was still shy and definitely nervous about the idea of sex, particularly with a man. It wasn’t a shock to realize it but it did give Jensen a large dose of secondhand nerves. All he could do was let Jared decide when he wanted to broach the subject, never one to force sex on even the most slutty of men he’d encountered, Jared was to be treasured and treated like a rare jewel.


	18. Chapter 18

Jared loved the hotel room which was white and brightly lit with neon blue accents and very modern in style. Jensen was a little more low key with his enthusiasm, still thoughtful about what Jared was expecting of him. The boy hadn’t taken rejection well which got Jensen to thinking that completely ignoring what should have been a natural first step into sex could be a mistake, whereas conversely seducing Jared with every trick Jensen knew felt like a liberty. Jensen didn’t want to scare him off. There was only one thing for it, a talk. Instead of allowing himself to feel bogged down with even more concerns, Jensen decided that the only way to approach it was to voice it. And so he did, asking Jared to sit down for a moment and quit fiddling with buttons on the coffee machine.

“I just want to talk to you. I been doin’ a lot of thinkin’ on this trip, Jay Bird and it ain’t been doin’ me a lot of favors but if we’re gonna do this, we gotta talk about stuff.”

“Okay.” Jared said, glancing over his shoulder as he examined the coffee pods.

“Jared, sweetheart. Please sit down.” Jensen chuckled nervously.

“Alright.” Jared nodded, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. “What is it?”

“Sex.” Jensen said plainly and Band-Aid off fast.

“Oh.” Jared blushed, squirming into the bed.

“Yeah. Now, I know you been askin’ me stuff and I guess we’ve been kinda skirtin’ around the subject-”

“I want to.”

“I know you do, baby.” Jensen smiled. “But I also want you to know what you’re gettin’ into because honestly-” He bit his lip and let his eyes linger on Jared until the boy was rolling his eyes just by the way Jensen was looking at him. It was heated, full of want and it was all for Jared. “-I want to take you to bed so bad, baby.”

“Jensen.” Jared whispered, turning his head and resting his chin against his shoulder while he palmed himself through his pants.

“Jesus.” Jensen muttered and then he was _on_ him, so fast, closing the short space between them and kissing Jared greedy, sucking the breath out of the boys lungs. It had meant to be a talk, nothing more but Jared’s reaction to the mere mention of the act of sex was so Goddamn sexy that Jensen lost the plot within seconds. No time to think nor hesitate. Jared was on his back in moments with Jensen covering his body, hands roaming places he had only pined over. “Is this okay?” He panted, sliding a hand up inside Jared’s t-shirt. It would have been chaste for anyone else.

“Yeah, I want you to. I want you to touch me with your hands. Kiss me and touch my body.” Jared said sweetly. “Just that.” He added as if answering Jensen’s silent thought of ‘ _how far?_ ’.

“Alright.” Jensen nodded, casting his eyes downwards. “We should take our shoes off and get more comfortable.”

“Oh okay.” Jared sat up in sync with Jensen as they reached for their shoes. It was a fairly irritating interlude to the proceedings, not romance movie smooth because Jensen wore heavy laced work boots most of the time. All he could do was smile at Jared and chuckle at how for some reason the more he tried to unlace his boots the more the laces appeared to tie themselves into even more knots. 

“Stupid boots.” Jensen laughed, turning his head as Jared took his t-shirt off and shimmied further up the bed. The boots came off eventually and were kicked across the hotel room floor. Jensen sat up and pulled his t-shirt off then slid on his side up the bed to join Jared who was looking nervous but amused. “Never believe what you see in the movies.” He grinned, settling a hand on Jared’s waist. “Gimme a kiss, sweetheart.”

“I don’t know how to.” 

“Yeah you do.” Jensen grinned, moving closer and pressing himself against Jared’s body which felt almost hot to the touch, although his tiny belly felt cool. “This ain’t our first kiss.”

“Oh yeah.” Jared rolled his eyes and then continued to talk. “I didn’t know what I was doing with the first one. And then the second one, you did it to me and I just kind of went with it. Oh and the beach one, I think you lead that kiss too, it was the best one so far and-”

“Jared?” Jensen interrupted with a smirk.

“Yeah?”

“Stop talkin’.” 

“Oh.” Jared snorted but was still hesitant to take the lead but he needn’t have worried because Jensen was right there with his pretty mouth. Two soft lips silencing the boy in seconds who started humming with happiness and making soft little sounds of satisfaction that went straight to Jensen’s dick. 

It was all very polite at first, Jensen kept his hand on Jared’s waist, just gently rubbing his thumb against the boys skin. It wasn’t the usual ‘wham bam, thank you ma’am’ that Jensen was used to and was as if Jared’s virginity was rubbing off on him but it was nice. It wasn’t crazy, rushed sex with a hot stranger in the back of his truck. It was more. And that ‘more’ had Jensen’s gut twisting and head spinning to brand new levels. Love made sex all the more intense because as much as there was physical attraction between them, there was respect and caring too. Jensen’s hand wandered over Jared’s chest, thumbing his nipple as the kiss became more heated and the boy gradually evolved into a more daring creature; he went straight for the bulge inside Jensen’s pants. No messing around like Jensen who was trying his hardest to ease Jared into it all.

“Sure?”

“Yes please.” Jared said politely, peeling his mouth away from Jensen’s lovely lips. “Lay back.” He whispered, coaxing Jensen into the bed with a very persuasive hand against the center of his chest. With his head dipped, Jared undid Jensen’s pants, unzipping them slowly until the open zipper was framing Jensen’s cock which was tucked away behind one of his colorful pairs of briefs; blue with green palm leaves and trimmed with white. “These are my favorites.”

“Are they?” Jensen smiled, relaxed and rubbing Jared’s shoulder with one hand. 

“Hm.” Jared nodded, head still down while he considered what to do next. There was no prompting from Jensen who just laid there still and silent, quite turned on by the anticipation of it all. Jared was boss at that moment although Jensen could not help making his cock twitch, a little shift in his thigh muscles and his dick lifted inside his underwear. Jared bit his lip, Jensen saw it in a gap in his bangs. God, his hair had grown like a weed the past few months. “I like it.” He whispered, going down on Jensen and rubbing his pointed nose over the fabric and inhaling softly. Jensen’s eyes rolled with the intimacy of it all. Jared was new in every way possible and continued to surprise Jensen every day they spent together. 

“That feels good.” Jensen muttered, cocking his head as Jared rubbed his nose and lips over Jensen’s cock, still wrapped up in soft cotton and tropical leaves. “I ain’t showered today.” He added as an afterthought and warning.

“Don’t care. You smell like you. I like how you smell.” Jared said, lifting the low slung pure white waistband to take a peek. Of course, he had seen Jensen’s cock before but only ever flaccid and only ever fleetingly. As he pealed the underwear back, Jensen’s cock lifted from his body and away from a neatly trimmed muss of soft dark blonde curls. The head pressed against Jared’s nose then slowly nudged against the boys lips. Jensen couldn’t help but feel vaguely nervous. Only seconds ago Jared was questioning his ability to lead a simple kiss.

“Are you sure?” Jensen said softly.

“Shush.” Jared said, pushing Jensen back into the bed even though he literally couldn’t go any further. “I want it.” Well, they were the sexiest three words that Jensen had ever heard in his life. 

“Oh God. I love you.” Jensen sighed as the now leaking head of his cock was kissed and suckled on experimentally. As far as Jensen was concerned, there was no wrong way to have his cock sucked, he even liked it a little rough when situations became particularly heated. But at that moment, it felt about as good as it got. It was Jared and he was humming and squirming, tasting, sucking down to the crown and letting his tongue lick and curl over and inside all the right places. It was divine. And _did_ feel a little like worship. 

Jared was flushed pink as he glanced at Jensen through his hair, embarrassed no doubt but turned on too. He lifted his head, tongue still pressed against the head of Jensen’s cock and grinned at Jensen but it wasn’t a smile Jensen had seen before, it was feral and laden with lust. And for a split second, Jensen wondered if Jared was hiding a deep, dark secret as half of his cock slid into the boys mouth. It was like the first time but no first time that Jensen had ever experienced. There was a purity to it, a feeling of the act becoming more than just cock sucking, Jensen couldn’t even begin to fathom the feelings. Jared bobbed his head, taking it slow and easy almost casually if Jensen wasn’t mistaken. No gagging, no retching just his warm, wet mouth wrapped tightly around Jensen’s cock and working absolute magic. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Jensen nodded, pushing his ass into the bed to stop himself from bucking into Jared’s mouth because it had been a while. “Like that, that’s-” He groaned deeply, body rocking up and down in slow jerky movements. “-that’s perfect. Ah, fuck. Jay Bird, gonna make me come too soon, sweet-sweet-sweet.” Broken. With anyone else, absolutely every last gay man in the world Jensen would have been ashamed at coming so soon but fuck it. “I’m coming.” Jensen warned.

Jared turned his head to look at Jensen, eyes wide, one cheek full of pulsating dick as Jensen came. Jared blinked in surprise as the inside of his cheek was coated with come which tickled and oozed from the corner of his mouth. Jensen could see it was a struggle, come had never tasted like the nectar of the God’s. It never had been a hot, salty treat but Jared took it. Sure, he dribbled and blinked as he tried to swallow and his eyes watered a bit but the boy did not quit squirming for a second.

“Are you okay?” Jensen said deeply, twitching his way through the aftermath of a surprisingly intense orgasm. Jared nodded and pulled his head back, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. 

“Yeah.” Jared nodded, voice raspy. “That doesn’t taste good.”

“No.” Jensen laughed. “It’s kind of a myth.” He smirked.

“I like it though-” Jared coughed then pulled a face.

“Yeah, you look like you could enjoy bucket loads of the stuff.” Jensen said slowly because he felt drained in more ways than one.

“I need a drink.”

“Go for it. I put a couple of bottles of beer in the fridge.”

“Okay.” Jared sat up and glanced at Jensen’s wet cock, shrunken and used. “I did like it though, I like how you taste but I was expecting a different flavor.” He said seriously.

“I’m not a soda fountain.” Jensen teased.

“Oh Jen.” Jared flailed, falling back on the bed with hands over his face, laughing his head off.


	19. Chapter 19

As far as Jensen knew, Jesus had never been sucked off by any of his disciples but how could anyone have been really sure. It might have been a case of ‘Biblical boys gone wild’ but Jensen doubted it, although the thought amused him as he and Jared idled in bed drinking beer with their pants still on. Jensen’s cock had been tucked away back inside his tropical cove of cotton to recover and Jared was behaving quite smugly which could have been annoying if it weren’t for the fact that he was so damn cute. 

“I’m gonna do that all the time.” Jared grinned, lying back on the bed like a man of the world. “I’ll wake you up with a-” He faltered, so close. “-um, a thing.”

“Blow job?” Jensen smirked.

“Yeah.” Jared giggled. “I still feel funny about saying the words.”

“Say blow job.” 

“No.”

“You just sucked my dick, Jay Bird. Say it.” Jensen grinned, nudging Jared with his knee. “Say it.” He whispered.

“Blow job.” Jared muttered, cheeks blooming.

“There you go. Honestly though, I wasn’t expecting you to do that.”

“I just wanted to.” Jared shrugged. “Jensen?”

“Yes, Jared?” Jensen said deeply.

“I’m not sure about the other stuff.”

“What other stuff?”

“The-” Jared twisted his body and gestured at his ass.

“Oh, anal. Well, that’s fine. Sex isn’t an endless list that folks have to follow and check off. It ain’t a deal breaker.”

“Oh, okay.” Jared nodded. “I saw it, on your phone.”

“I know.” 

“What?” Jared gasped. “How do you know?”

“Uh, when you put words and search for stuff on Google, it stays there unless you know how to delete your search history.” Jensen smirked.

“Oh no, that’s not good.”

“I don’t care, Jared. You have to try and stop looking at sex as something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. It’s really really normal despite what you were taught.”

“I am trying.”

“I know, it’s relearning and it’s fine.” Jensen smiled fondly. “Are you sure you ain’t ever sucked a dick before?” He teased, lifting the mood.

“No!” Jared gasped again, playful that time, smiling behind the rim of his beer bottle. “Never. I used to wonder though, even before I met you.” He whispered as if his old pal God was in the next room with a glass pressed against the wall. 

“Really?” Jensen asked, surprised by that revelation.

“Hm. A few times, yeah. But only since I started going out to the store on my own. I never knew much about gay things, only what Pastor Lee warned us about. But I saw stuff in magazines, nice looking men and I just wondered.”

“You told me a little while ago that you don’t find other men attractive.” Jensen smirked. 

“Well, I don’t. Not in the street or anything like that but I have you now and going by the men in the magazines, you’re hotter.”

“Why thank you.” Jensen grinned. 

“I can’t believe some of the things I say, my folks would go crazy if they knew.” Jared said, thinking about that for a moment.

“Do you think about ‘em much, your folks?”

“Hm.” Jared nodded. “Sometimes because at first I thought I was going to miss them but I don’t. It makes me feel sad that I feel that way.”

“I feel the same. I’m pretty apathetic towards mine now, y’know? They’re just some people I used to know but I understand you feelin’ sad about it. I do too but it’s more like ‘I ain’t got decent parents’.”

“Yeah, that’s what it’s like for me. I don’t want _them_ but I would like a mom and a dad who care.” 

“Me too.” Jensen nodded, reaching out for Jared’s hand. “Sucks don’t it?”

“Yeah, a bit.”

“But hey, we got one another. I know it ain’t the same but _I_ care.”

“I care too. I like having someone to care about.”

“Yeah, so do I.”

*

The boys slept naked and wrapped around one another, kissing, talking and playing until they fell asleep as the muted television flickered blue light across the bed. But not before Jensen gave Jared his first hand job and orgasm given by another person, it was quick and Jared was embarrassed through the whole thing, hiding his eyes behind an arm slung over his face but he told Jensen that he had loved it and felt very overwhelmed. Jensen told him that they had all the time in the world. They talked in the after-glow about where Jensen had planned to move onto after San Francisco if things had been different. Colorado was the answer. The snow was the reason. 

The next morning, Jensen wasn’t woken with the blow job that Jared had promised to give him ‘every day’, instead it was the faint scratchy sound of pen on paper and Jared sitting at the hotel room desk muttering to himself. The boy was naked and sat bolt upright in the chair, it was quite the vision to wake up to, the lack of mouth around dick was quickly forgiven.

“What are you doin’?” Jensen said deeply, his voice sleep shot and raspy.

“Writing a letter to my mom and dad.” Jared said without turning around.

“Oh?” Jensen frowned. “It’s 6am.”

“Couldn’t sleep, I needed to do this before we leave for Colorado.”

“I knew you’d still want to go.” Jensen chuckled.

“I want to enjoy a real winter.” Jared said, looking over his shoulder and grinning back at Jensen.

“Coffee, sweetheart?”

“Yes, please.”

Jensen moved around the room quietly, using the bathroom and making he and Jared a coffee each which he placed on the desk, pressing a kiss to the boys head as he continued to scribble away. Jensen sat on the edge of the bed and just watched him. The weird thing about doing that was that is wasn’t weird just sitting there, watching Jared write and sip his coffee. It was intimate and still had a feeling of togetherness about it. 

“You _can_ talk to me, Jen.” Jared said, taking a break and flexing his writing hand. 

“I didn’t want to interrupt, you looked pretty focused and it’s important?”

“Kind of, I just wanted to tell them that I’m okay. I’m almost done, would you like to read it?”

“Oh, that’s private, sweetheart.”

“It’s nothing that you don’t already know.” Jared smiled, handing Jensen one sheet of paper. “I just have to sign it off but I don’t know how to. I haven’t written a letter before. You read it and tell me what I should put.”

“I’ll suggest, but I won’t tell you, Jay Bird.” Jensen smiled and took the letter, settling back on the bed with his legs crossed.

_Mom and Dad,_

_I suppose the polite thing to do would be to apologize for leaving so abruptly and I am sorry, sorry I hadn’t done it sooner. That may be difficult for you both to hear but I’m angry. Every day since I left home I have felt angry and sometimes scared but I have been able to channel that anger and fear into something different; happiness._

_I was never your son, not the way you wanted me to be and although for a good many years I followed you both, just as children do and in most regular cases should, I got to the point whereby I knew that the life you had chosen for me was the wrong one. You told me to have faith every day of my life and fed me lie after lie as to what I should have had faith in. I don’t blame you for your religion, used sensibly and with respect, religion in all its forms can be a wonderful thing. But not for me. I have found that faith comes in a variety of colors and can be found in people too. So that is what I have done. I have put faith in myself and the man who helped save me._

_And that is all I have to say to you both. I will not tell you where I am or who I’m with because I know it’s likely you have disowned me. And that is fine with me. You never owned me, even if you think you did._

“Oh, harsh.” Jensen said, wincing somewhat as he handed the letter back to Jared. “Why are you even doin’ this?”

“Because they can never say that after I left that they never heard from me again. I guarantee you that they will tell everyone that, even after they read this.”

“Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?”

“No.” Jared said, sipping on his coffee. “Because I’m forcing them to be liars.”

“Oh Jesus.” Jensen chuckled through another wince.

“Religious extremists are the worst liars in the world. That’s how I knew I wasn’t like them.”

“Just put Jared.” Jensen said, nodding at the letter. “We’ll post it before we leave. I guess that’s one of the reasons why you’re up so early?”

“I looked at Google Maps and saw that we have to drive through two more states before we get to Colorado. I can’t wait.” Jared grinned.

“Okay.” Jensen said, pointing at his cup of coffee. “Lemme get another two or three of these bad boys inside me and we’ll go.” He smirked.

“What are we going to do when we get to Colorado?”

“I have no fuckin’ clue.”


	20. Epilogue

_Three Weeks Later_

The staff at Camping World thought all of their Christmases had come at once when Jared and Jensen walked into the store and spent most of what they had earned in Arizona on state of the art camping equipment. While Jensen had learned to be quite thrifty after living on the road for a decade, Jared was enjoying life as a shopper but the both of them lost their minds and emptied their wallets quite happily in Camping World. As much as they both enjoyed the bliss of a soft, comfortable bed and hot running water, they each loved the outdoors more than anything. Even the prospect of camping out in the snow for the winter didn’t put them off as they loaded Jensen’s truck with a brand new Arctic tent, insulated bedding, a heater and food enough to see them through the worst of the winter weather. It was like they were preparing for the apocalypse.

It wasn’t the end of the world Jared though, it was the beginning of a new one. And for Jensen too, a new style of living alongside another soul, sharing everything and never being alone. Jensen hadn’t once addressed the loneliness of his single nomadic life simply because not many people were ever willing to live the way he did. Most people liked stability and routine, actually enjoyed the stress of wondering if they would make rent and paying taxes. Jensen still paid tax on the food he bought, the gas he filled his truck up with and to him that was more then enough than anyone should have to pay. Jensen had been ‘freed’ by his uncaring parents and Jared had liberated himself from his, so neither of them concerned themselves with settling down, only with each other.

The trailer tent which was fixed to the back of Jensen’s truck and gave them ample room to move about in became their home. It was warm, warmer still when they slept coiled around one another and was the perfect base for them to spend their days going off snow hiking in only semi suitable clothing and to occasionally visit the nearest store for supplies. But most of the time they would spend their lives in their tent which Jared had Christened ‘ _the bubble of bliss_ ’ where they would talk, play cards, read and make love which happened to be their favorite after hours past time. Jensen was glad of the company, he hadn’t realized how lonely he had been until he had met Jared. And the boy blossomed and reveled in his freedom. Jensen still heard Jared praying every once in a while but it never worried him because Jared had learned how to have a better grasp on the real world. Asking God to give them a little more snow was never going to be a concern. 

*

It got very hot inside the tent when the boys made love. Jared called it ‘making love’ all the time because ‘sex’ and ‘fucking’ still felt like alien words to him. And although initially Jensen had pulled a face at the phrase, finding it a little sickly and old-fashioned he soon became used to it because it was literal. They weren’t fucking at all, they _were_ making love and the act became no less intense than the crazy screwing that Jensen had experienced with others. Oftentimes it was too intense because love had the habit of doing that, making absolutely _everything_ too much. But as a wise and very camp piano-playing man once said ‘ _Too much of a good thing, is wonderful!_ '

“Oh God.” Jared muttered, drenched in so much sweat that Jensen was having a hard time keeping a tight hold on him, fingers dipping into his belly as he was thigh fucked from behind. Jared had to be persuaded to turn his back on Jensen with the promise that he was going to lose his mind. Jensen wasn’t right all of the time but when it came to sexual practices, he was one hundred percent on the nose one hundred percent of the time. 

Jensen had lubed Jared up, also promising that his cock wouldn't go anywhere near the boys yet to be encountered asshole, so he was slick and wet and trusting Jensen’s insistence that ‘ _the little mound under your balls does stuff’_. Jensen never elaborated further than that, preferring practical explanation over theory. So imagine Jared’s surprise as Jensen’s cock glided back and forth over that innocuous mound Jensen had called his taint. It was slow and hard, rough because it had to be for Jared to feel anything and so their bodies were tense and taut. For Jensen it was perfect, the way the natural curve of his dick slid effortlessly over Jared’s taint and stimulated his frenulum. Jared was perpetually unsure, expecting instant gratification because he had spent too much time watching gay porn and took everything he had seen literally. Happily for Jared, the act was much more enjoyable and in Jensen’s capable, more experienced hands more turned on than had ever been. And it happened each time too, it was never a repeat of the last thing they had done. It was better, sexier, faster, hotter and drenched with love. 

“Don’t touch me yet.” Jared groaned, batting Jensen’s hand away as he attempted to wrap his hand around the boys cock. “I’ll come too soon, don’t want to.” Saying ‘come’ was fine for Jared because it wasn’t a word directly associated with s-e-x.

“Okay, you’re the boss.” Jensen grunted, hips rolling back and forth as he burrowed deep between the highest point of Jared’s lovely thighs and then held himself there, rubbing his dick against the boys taint, desperate for Jared to feel something. Jensen was too stiff and using every will in the world not to explode between Jared’s legs.

“Oh God, yeah. Keep doing that.” Jared nodded, reaching behind him to grab a handful of Jensen’s hair and having no qualms about using God’s name in vain and sex.

“Yeah?” Jensen whispered, pressing open mouthed, wet kisses over Jared’s neck, tonguing over the beauty marks there that he had memorized.

“Yeah. Just there, Jensen. I can feel it.” Jared muttered out, mouth falling open at the very faint but perfect sensation. “Use your fingers too.”

“Okay.” Jensen whispered.

“And my thing, my-my cock.” Jared said, muttering the last word.

“I can’t.” Jensen chuckled, lifting the arm Jared’s head was resting on. Then on cue, the boy lifted his head and Jensen was able to free it. Having two hands at his disposal changed their position a little but they soon settled back into it. Jensen pushed a hand between their bodies and pressed the tips of two fingers against Jared’s perineum while still rubbing the head of his cock over the most prominent fleshy part of it. Jared deflated with pleasure which loosened the grip his thighs had around Jensen’s dick. “Hey, don’t go all floppy on me, sweetheart.” 

“Feels so good.” Jared moaned, slowly finding the energy to tense his thighs. 

“Good boy.” Jensen whispered closely into Jared’s ear as he curled his fingers around the boys cock and slipped into a masterclass of multi-tasking. 

Jared kept one hand in Jensen’s hair while the other curved around their bodies and settled against Jensen’s ass, pulling him in closer as Jared’s fingertips sunk into the flesh. They were a perfect fit, in so many ways, moving together, no stuttering of hips or body bumps, just smooth waves of synchronization. Jared hands grabbed and pulled, pushed and pummeled as his climax closed in, his breathing quickened and grunts deepened, matching Jensen’s lowly growls as they lost their shared minds together.

“Jensen. Oh God, yes.” Jared gasped, as his belly tightened and his entire body collapsed in on itself like a black hole. 

“C’mon, sweetheart.” Jensen nodded, he too so close as their final moments came together; manners were lost and words were uncensored.

“Fuck, Jen. Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” Jared ran his mouth off like a ten buck whore as he came, while Jensen discovered that hearing nice boys say bad things was his new kink as they came together in a fog of sex fret and dirty mouths. 

“Kiss me.” Jensen grunted the words out which sounded filthy in that moment. “Fuckin’ kiss me.”

“Jesus.” Jared breathed, turning his head as Jensen lifted his own. Their mouths met, hard and sweaty. All tongues and teeth and ‘ _God fuck, I love you so much!_ ’

*

Ten minutes later they were freezing cold and bundling their sticky post-sex bodies into their shared thermal sleeping bag. Jared zipped them up and curled himself into a tight ball, burying himself inside Jensen’s body who in turn made himself as small as possible, pulling the sleeping bag over their heads.

“I can’t see you.” Jared whispered with a little throaty chuckle in his voice.

“I’m still here but my God, it stinks in here.” Jensen snorted, pushing his head back out and grinning at Jared. “Better?”

“Much. I like looking at your face.”

“I like looking at yours too.” Jensen smiled, pushing Jared’s sweaty hair away from his eyes.

“Jen?”

“Yep?”

“Why do people say God so much when they have-” Jared faltered. “-sex?” He still whispered the word but at least he had stopped spelling it out. For now.

“I don’t know.” Jensen frowned because he honestly had no clue why it was such a normal thing to do. 

“Oh.” Jared frowned, clearly disappointed with that answer.

“Maybe it’s because we’re all believers in one way or another. God is the higher power we have all been taught about, the Father of creation. So when we’re makin’ love-” Jensen grinned, cupping Jared’s pretty little face. “-an’ we’re all hot, joined together, movin’ an’ pushin’ an’ then comin’ so hard we call out the name of the dude who gave it all to us. Or so some believe.” He chuckled.

“You’re my higher power.” Jared said softly. “It was you who gave me all this. Not God.”

“Lost your faith?”

“No, I’ve just redirected it.” Jared smiled. “I won’t worship you, Jensen, ever but I’ll forever have faith in you, even if we don’t last the distance.”

“We will.” Jensen said quietly but confidently. 

“How do you know?”

“Because I have faith in you too.”


End file.
